


He Was A Friend Of Mine

by EIGOANSONI



Category: Brokeback Mountain (2005), Brokeback Mountain (2005) RPF, Brokeback Mountain - All Media Types, Brokeback Mountain - Annie Proulx
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-26 06:46:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 24,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30101907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EIGOANSONI/pseuds/EIGOANSONI
Summary: A 44 y.o. Ennis Del Mar, in the summer of 1988, takes time to reconcile with his current state of being.***CONTAINS EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT / DESCRIPTION(S) OF VIOLENCE***
Relationships: Ennis Del Mar/Jack Twist
Comments: 20
Kudos: 7





	1. 1. WHITE

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Heath L.](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Heath+L.).



# 1\. WHITE

_“He was a friend of mine_   
_He was a friend of mine_   
_Every time I think about him now_   
_Lord I just can't keep from cryin'_   
_'Cause he was a friend of mine”_

**[WINTER 1984 – ASPEN, COLORADO – LATE AFTERNOON]**

More weathered in the face, Ennis lies on a bed of clean white linen. Snow stacking up on the windowsills. Jack lays naked resting on Ennis’s chest. A roaring fire in the fireplace. 

Not wanting to get out of bed, they've been talking for a long while about nothing in particular. Enjoying their warmth. Ennis had learned a great deal about "small talk" from Jack over the last couple of months and had been spending a lot more permanent time together.

Ennis made the jump and broke himself down to the bare-naked emotion he found holding him back from everything he wanted. 

He finally confessed to Jack that he was his everything and would always be.

Ennis smirks, looking into Jack's crystal blue eyes. Still in disbelief that this is what he had. This is what he could call his own. He pushes back Jack’s curly hair and cradles his jaw.

A moment for Ennis to take him in.

He's the happiest he's ever been, and if Jack hadn't said what he said the last time they were at Brokeback, he wouldn't have this.

(J) _“…I wish I knew how to quit you.”_

It hit him hard. He drove off from Jack with nothing but pain and regret. His job didn’t matter; his fear didn’t matter; his discomfort didn’t matter.

Jack mattered to him, and Ennis didn’t want him to find a way to quit them.

He didn’t leave his feelings to another postcard; he made the call, greeted Laureen first, and then was given to Jack. He didn’t hold back and told Jack he was ready whenever he was.

He’d no idea how his life would have gone if he didn’t make it happen. Probably, would have emotionally continued struggling. Wading through a darkness, he couldn't navigate.

Alone.

Jack playfully teased Ennis’s lips while bringing his right leg up Ennis' thigh. They kiss, initiating a flurry of them between each other. Before it can become any more intense, Jack pulls himself away, straddles Ennis, and speaks words that mean more than anybody could ever know.

(J) _"Ennis... I love y...."_

  
  
  


Blood oozed out of Jack's eyes.

It creeped across his skin, flowed into his nose and out of his mouth.

An invisible force bashes his face in.

Blood slashes Ennis cheek to cheek. A genuine smile still formed, his mind not registering what was happening.

The first hit shatters Jack's nose.

The second hit busts his right eye in its socket.

The third hit cracks his forehead open.

The fourth hit knocks his left eye out of his skull.

The fifth hit destroys his jaw ripping it out of its placement.

The subsequent hits cause his face to become more and more unrecognizable until it’s just a paste of skin, blood, and pieces of bone.

Jack is limp, but his corpse is still animated and opens what it has left for a mouth; foul-smelling crimson bile erupts out of it, accompanied by a deep guttural and gurgled moan.

Ennis is immediately drenched in the viscous liquid.

He blinks.

They're in a dry sandy riverbed off to the side of a range of rocky, barren mountains.

The heat from a million scorching suns beats down on him.

Ennis can barely keep his eyes open it's so bright.

The unending geyser gushes out, surrounding them both. Terrified and panicked, Ennis attempts to block it with his hands in vain.

The corpse’s bones crack and splinter while reaching for Ennis, wanting to cling onto his shoulders but unable to as Ennis is slick in the pulsing fluid it’s releasing.

He doesn't know what to do. There isn't anything he can do. 

He's frantic. 

Begging for Jack to stop. 

For him to be alright.

For him to still be here with him.

Screaming to him that he's sorry.

Desperately... screaming to Jack that he's sorry for everything.

For not being there to protect him.

The suns have become one giant pulsing sphere of heat, getting brighter and brighter with white light.

Ennis can't see anything but hears a building scream erupting from the corpse’s maul. At its height, it plateaus in pitch and causes the pressure around them to become too unstable to allow the environment to maintain its stability.

The mountains buckle as waves of the sound billow outward from their position. 

Silence. 

The only sound is Ennis’s horrid sobbing.

He’s nothing.

The scream releases its full power directly through Ennis. His skin disintegrating off of his skeleton, and in an intense and impossible to escape burst, it rips what's left of either of them and the surrounding landscape apart and gone from existence.

**[SUMMER 1988 – RIVERTON, WYOMING – EARLY MORNING]**

Ennis' body jerks itself awake. A gasp of fear and exhaustion escaping his throat. A puddle of sweat in boxers. His chest sore and heaving.

This is the dream his mind has adopted, and it’s been happening consistently over the past 4 years; he can’t see anything else.

These high summer nights cause it to increase in intensity.

He has no AC in his trailer, so he depends on the wind of a box fan that sits at the foot of his bed. The heat causes him to react violently to the dream. The box fan isn't of any help. It just blows hot air faster around his trailer.

Sometimes he wakes up screaming and running out of his bed, or he wakes up and can't move, a pressure on his body he can't escape from until he can. Tonight was an ideal response. It takes him a moment to figure out where he is. His mouth is dry. His throat stinging. He's exhausted.

The clock on top of the tv says 4:15, but he knows it's 3:15. He can't be bothered with changing it and has adapted instead.

One way or the other, this is how he wakes up.

The morning was still dark, but a pale orange glow from a lamppost outside the window seeps through sheer curtains. The light drapes across most of his trailer, giving him ample vision of his surroundings. He lay in his bed, uncomfortable, heart still racing, staring at the ceiling, a blink every so often. He takes a deep inhale and barely exhales. 

Realizing he's soaked in sweat, he peels himself out of the sheets and immediately strips them from the yellowing twin-sized mattress.

(E) _"No work today, no side work today, so is laundry day today,"_

he mumbles.

He can only be as normal as he allows himself to be. He wakes up from these dreams and has to deal like nothings wrong with him. Like... this is just what he deserves.

He uses the lamppost's light to help him start his morning routine.

He shakes the bedding down and stuffs all of it into an already full green cloth US ARMY bag sitting at the foot of his bed and places it on a counter next to the trailer door. A couple of dollars in quarters in a linen pouch and a plastic ziplock bag of powdered laundry detergent stand in unison with it.

His life had a strict regimen at this point. Things were set in their place, and they had places where they were supposed to be set. There was no room for the spontaneous fishing trip here or there, nor anything that would help him advance to another level of his life.

He was too tired.

He stood at the counter in a daze. A microscopic awareness of himself. Feeling his chest expand and contract, slowly blinking, eyes rolling behind his eyelids, his fingertips touching the fabric of his tattered boxers—a mindless blank stare outside of himself.

He fills a small tin kettle with water and puts it on the burner, sets it to a medium setting, grabs a mug, a spoon, a washcloth, and a jar of instant coffee, placing them in a line next to the stove.

He walks across the trailer to his closet and grabs his faded blue jeans off its hanger. Rummaging through the pockets, he pulls out two cigarettes. One half burnt and the other fresh. He places the fresh one next to the unison of laundry items, grabs a matchbox, and walks outside with the half-burnt one.

The wind is thick and motionless around him as he steps out. He walks towards a stool that sits a couple of feet away from the trailer. Nothing but his boxers and boots on, he sits. Lights up. He stares off into the darkened barren distance in front of him, pauses again. No thoughts, just on autopilot smoking his cigarette. He finishes it in 3 pulls and tosses the butt into an empty can at his feet.

Water on the stove has started to warm up by the time he walks back in, which is enough. He makes his coffee. Black. Downs it. Puts the coffee jar away in a cabinet, rinses the spoon & cup, and places them on the washcloth next to the sink.

He goes through the living room area and cleans up. Picking up empty beer cans, throwing them in a box next to the trailer door, picks up the newspaper, organizes and refolds it, pushes the only two chairs he owns against a wall, looks at the clock, straightens it in its place on top of the tv. 

Figures he should rinse off.

He slides off his boxers, throws them into the ARMY bag, and ties it shut.

Still rail thin but athletic, signs of an active lifestyle about him. Little tufts of hair placed across him, one in the middle of his chest and his happy trail. His arms and legs long and slender. His age doesn’t equal his look. His face is older but he’s still in his early 30’s to anybody that sees him. Still handsome... newly brooding demeanor.

In his small one-person shower, he’s barely able to stand upright, not able to do much else. Turns on the water and doesn't even wait for it to change temperature. All he wants is to be bombarded by it. It's ice cold. His teeth start to chatter, and his breathing is frantic. It was what he needed for the time being. It gave him a false excitement. Like a couple of gallons in the tank to get a little closer to the destination.

The cold water reminded him of how he and Ja...

Naked, dripping wet, somber. He doesn't even bother with drying off.

The box fan blows the hot air in his direction, grazing his glistening skin.

Ennis takes a quick look around for more to do.

Anything.

Nothing. 

His eyes begin to burn, and his vision blurs.

A familiar nausea fills his gut, and he admits defeat.

Distraction is peace for Ennis. No distraction is Hell.

He sinks back into the darkness.

Fears going back to sleep but can only wait for it to come.

Ennis lays back down on the bare mattress, rolls onto his side, loosely curls into himself, and starts to sob into his rough-hewn overworked hands.


	2. GOLEM

# 2\. GOLEM

**[SUMMER 1963 – BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN – MORNING]**

The sun charged the ground below it with a building heat accompanied by an aggressive breeze that swept through the valley agitating every leaf and blade of grass that resided in it. The early morning wind was a harbinger of a storm crawling over the mountains that would take the sun away by mid-afternoon.

Ennis came back to camp in a huff. He had finished moving the herd a mile closer to the main camp to anticipate the change in weather. Just in case it was to be a harder rain.

He bagged 3 coyotes through the previous night, which was a first. He didn't really understand why they were still so persistent at raiding the flock. They've seen him take their brothers out one after the other. Hunger trumps common sense, he figured... couldn't blame them for trying to survive.

Jack was nowhere to be seen in camp, but there was a pot of fresh coffee prepared and a few slices of bacon in a pan next to the fire that preoccupied his thoughts.

He took his coffee black regularly, but it was a Friday, and he felt like he deserved a reward for getting through the week. A heaping spoonful of honey they'd managed to painfully get their hands on while they were in the deep forest felt like a good enough indulgence. It had a luxurious flavor like no other honey he'd ever had the opportunity to taste. The two flavors had to complement each other pretty well. He sipped to see if it was to his liking, coating his throat in a welcome warmth. He could have accepted as it was, but... it was Friday. A shot or two of whisky topped it off, and he was content.

He slumped down against one of the logs surrounding the fire while scanning around for any clue on where Jack could have gone off to. His horse was still roped, gun was holstered, his boots were hung up, and a set of his clothes were strung on a makeshift drying rack. He must be doing laundry. Ennis checked to see where his own clothing items were to take advantage of the moment, but they were absent from the area. Jack must have taken them too.

(E) _"...mighty nice of'um."_

He mumbled under his breath.

The creek path was pretty smooth and free of debris, so he decided to walk it barefoot. He took his boots off and placed them upside down on two single sticks stuck into the ground close to the fire to air them out and keep anything from crawling in them, slipped his socks off, and tucked them into the back of his pants. Ennis finished and refilled his coffee concoction, grabbed the bacon, and made his way to the creek. 

It was a pain only to have two outfits to wear. Two button-ups, two undershirts, two pairs of jeans, and two pairs of socks for the whole Summer. Even as a rugged ranch hand who didn't care much about what he looked like, he knew there was some unsavoriness to the situation. With that said, he tried to clean them as often as possible, at least once a week. He also takes a chance to bathe at least once a day when he came down from the flock for his meals. Some days he was too tired, or it was too cold. A whore's bath would do him fine until he could clean his body properly.

"Whore's bath" was an on-the-head description of what any bath they took was as of late.

They were in the early moments of their volatile, life-changing romance in the wilderness. A week and a half ago, they had their first encounter, and while they've been active ever since, every time getting more and more ambitious, Ennis had reservations.

He didn't protest too much, however.

Places of Ennis' mind had been unlocked, and he couldn't be bothered with trying to lock them back up. He didn't want to, and he didn't think that Jack would let him anyway. He did attempt to take some time to organize what he was feeling after those first couple of times, but there was nothing mentally tangible to grab onto. He realized quickly that the energy he was wasting trying to identify something to grip wasn't worth losing. The way it felt, both physically & mentally, was worth more than understanding the force of nature they'd found themselves wrapped up in.

He savored it like it was the honey he'd never tasted before covering every inch of Jack's body.

He couldn't allow himself to not knock the whole scenario as being completely insane.

It was dangerous, and it was wrong settled at the forefront of his mind.

He wrestled with that fact the most. Unknown to Jack, Ennis tore himself apart, attempting to talk himself into stopping this lust. He prayed for clarification, begged for mercy... but when he locked eyes with Jack at any given moment, his diamond blues enchanting him, all doubt and confusion about their situation just melted away. It was foreign to him as he knew he didn't feel this specific way about Alma when they had first met and started dating. Nowhere near the intensity of what he feels now. He cared for her deeply, madly... and had her close to him, but upon experiencing... this... he realized that there was potential for much more.

He still knew it was wrong... but it felt worse to deny himself of something he'd never had before that he was truly enjoying.

This seemed to just be between him, Jack, & Brokeback.

**~**

Jack had woken up to Ennis already gone. He laid on his back, looking at the top of the tent for a while, thinking of how ideal this was before rolling over to Ennis' side of the bedding. He buried his nose into his pillow, taking in what manly scent he'd left behind. It was rich and dusky, nothing at all foul to him. He felt the constant urge to have the essence in his nose, wanting to stay hugged when they were embracing. To have Ennis around him but to have his nose in Ennis' neck. Jack took most of his opportunities while they were lying down. He would have Ennis cuddle close to him, his head at the height of Jack's pecs so that he had access to the crown of his head. He figured he was a weirdo for craving his scent the way he did, but it had to be some kind of biological thing, like how he'd heard in school.

But as much as he enjoyed the smell of Ennis', he never wanted to take in anything rank. So, laundry was one of the tasks he held at the top of his to-do list, and with there being so little clothing between the two of them, he figured it was good practice anyway.

This early in the morning, the sun's heat washed over the area in a way that would dry out the thickest of material by sundown. He took the opportunity to gather and clean everything. Bedding, clothing, rags, towels, and even dishes. He gathered the items together, throwing them together into a pack to bring them to the creek.

He walked out of the tent naked and felt his skin absorb every ray of shine that hit him. A warmth building upon its surface. He was quick to tan but never got particularly dark. He ended up just being a piece of toast coming out of the oven too early. He enjoyed the feeling of it, though. Especially fully in the nude. Breeze and all.

He made his way to the creek and got to work—a big bar of soap to every piece of clothing, bedding, and dish. Stains were no match against Jack's efforts. Clean is what he wanted, so it's what he got at any cost. Eating off dirty dishes was one thing that irked Jack the most. When he was satisfied by his work and the water ran clear through the clothing and bedding, he hung them on his makeshift washing line to start drying. It's always a back aching task to complete, so he usually laid out on the river stones to relax a bit and get a self-massage from the bumpy and uneven surface, but he figured he was in the nude, and the water was there, chilly, but there... so he'd take a quick bath to ease the tension.

He grabbed a washed but still damp rag from the line, a new brick of soap, and waded out into the creek. This wasn't a common practice, bathing in a freezing body of water, but once he got in, it wasn't so bad. Maybe? A quick full-body dip under the water got him acclimated, and he started cleaning himself. Starting with his hair.

Ennis could see Jack from a distance, slowly walking out into the water. He hadn't seen Jack naked in the daylight before. His skin was bright and rosy in subtle patches across his back, arms, and thighs. He looked like a painting out there. Tall, delicate, and a deep romance to him.

(J) _".... ssshhhhiiiiittttt!!!"_

Jack's teeth were chattering loudly.

(E) _"It's an ice bath, huh?"_

Ennis chuckled, his arms open to receive Jack.

(J) _"AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! ENNIS?! WHERE THE FUC…. WHERE THE FUCK DDDDEDIIIDDDD YOU COM… FFFFFFROM??? SSSSSSCCCAAAARED TTTTTTHE SHIT OUTTA MEEE…. I'm onnnn fffffffuckin' fffffffire! I thought it'd be refressssshhhhhiiinnnn'! FFFFFFUUUCCCCKKKK!"_

Jack bolted out of the water towards the hanging towels and realized all of them would still be soaking wet. He detoured into Ennis' open arms and bulldozed into him. 

Ennis immediately closed his arms around his naked buddy, trying to transfer as much of his body heat as possible.

(J) _"...you got a match Eeeennnniiiissss? Because I need you to light my ddddduuummmmbbbb ass on fffffffiiirreee."_

A sharp breeze rushed over them, and Ennis felt tremors go through Jack's body. He couldn't help but chuckle.

(E) _"Hold these right quick, Jack... n' take a swig of that coffee."_

Ennis handed Jack the cup of coffee & bacon and unbuttoned, took off, and wrapped the shirt he was wearing around Jack's shoulders the best he could. 

(E) _"Take a sip yet?"_

Jack caught the scent of Ennis in his shirt... it teased an animalistic hunger in him... some ancient trigger built into his psyche... To mate? To fight? It was, unknowingly to Ennis, extremely seductive and almost made him forget about the cold.

Jack brought the cup of spiked coffee to his lips and took a heavy gulp.

(J) _"uh... you smell so fuckin' good... n' this tastes good... that the honey we stole?"_

(E) _"well... thanks... n' yeah, some a that n' whisky in'it."_

(J) _"It'll warm you up, alright. I thought I'd about went into shock if you hadn't've came up on me. This weather is too damn much to deal with sometimes. It was warm when I got out here. Thought the water was gonna' be bearable enough."_

He kneeled into a squat so that more of Ennis' thin shirt could cover him up.

(J) _"N' everythin's wet still!"_

He laughed.

(J) _"There's nothin' else I can wrap myself in."_

Ennis sat down in front of Jack, crossing his legs.

(E) _"...drink some'ore... You want some'a this? I can run back to the tent n' grab my coat?"_

Ennis snapped a piece of bacon off and brought it to Jack's lips.

(J) _"Naw... you ain't gotta' do all that... 'preciate it."_

Jack put his entire mouth around the strip of bacon that Ennis was only offering a bite of. His lips touching the tips of Ennis' fingers.

(E) _"well... I uh... wouldn' mind."_

Ennis was a chuckling mess. 

He was still getting used to the idea of leisurely fucking around with Jack. They haven't so much as kissed in the open daylight, let alone started foreplay in it. Which would undoubtedly lead to Jack locked on his hands and knees and Ennis taking what he knew was his.

(J) _"Del Mar... yer a... cute giant of a man, you know that?"_

Jack said genuinely after pulling back from Ennis' fingers and crunched on the bacon strip.

(J) _"...it's weird to hear? Comin' from another guy? I'm... not so bothered by sayin' it actually."_

(E) _"you ain' never had another man tell you that you was cute before?"_

(J) _"oh, well, 'scuse me, you say it like you have?"_

Jack barked, a smirk on his face.

(E) _"mmm... well yeah. Like uuuhhh at the bars, oh! Del Mar, you looked mighty cute punchin' that dipshit dead in'is fac..."_

Jack burst with laughter before Ennis could finish the last word. His full smile beaming on to him.

(J) _"look at ch'you... sense of humor from this golem."_

Jack laughed for a good two minutes. Probably one of the first times he'd heard Ennis' setup and execute a joke. It caught him by surprise, and he had genuine tears in his eye. 

(E) _"...golem?"_

Ennis asked through his own smile, proud of making Jack laugh like this.

(J) _"Yeah... big ole giant made out of rock. Protects whoever it wakes up to. Ma’ used to give me the story when I went n’ ask her fer one. It goes... uhhh... A lost kid finds one of'um in a cave in a forest after takin' shelter from a storm... n' they go about tryin'ta get the kid back home... eventually make it there n' find their village was burnt down n' no family anywhere to be seen. Golem takes care of the kid until they're grown n' after teachin' all they knew; Golem blows away into ashes n' leaves a diamond for the kid to remember them by."_

(E) _"hm... sounds mighty sweet..."_

(J) _"…there some details I'm leavin' out. Ma always made it nice for the most part. Probably one of my favorite things to listen to. Sit on the porch, with my head in her lap n' she'd comb through my hair with her fingers tellin' me the story for the 100th time like it was the 1st."_

_(E) "so, I'm a golm? What was it?"_

_(J) "yeah... you're my Golem now."_

_(E) "Go-Len? Golem?"_

_(J) "...you poured whiskey a lil' past the brim, didn't you boy? ...... you're so fuckin’... cute."_

Jack grabs Ennis's chin and pulls him into his lips. They're locked in this kiss for seasons. Slow and deep. Jack floats into Ennis' lap. 

Ennis still sitting with his legs crossed so that Jack has a more comfortable seat. His hands resting on Jack's lower back. Jack holds Ennis' head to lock them in the kiss while he swirled his hips against Ennis to get him primed. 

Ennis pulled back and whispers.

(E) _"mmm... you reckon we should go back to the tent?"_

(J) _"I'm not bothered by you takin' me here n' now. We're miles away from anybody's eyes. They'd be purely blessed to see you dickin' me down anyway. Yer worried somebodies gonna' pop out the creek n' find you balls deep n' me huh?"_

Jack smiles like there's a taste of the devil in him.

(J) _"We're in it deep now, Ennis... Far be it from me to push you into nothin' you don't like though... but ... I wouldn' think this to be somethin' you wouldn' like."_

Jack, reminding Ennis that he's already fully naked, stands up and backs off. He lowers himself to his hands and knees, still facing Ennis. His shoulder blades rising and falling as he traveled into his intended position. He looked like a wolf sizing up its prey. Eyes focused and a body full of deadly intent. He turns away from Ennis, rests his upper weight into his forearms against the pebbles, lays the top of his feet flat, arches his ass upward, and looks back at him...

Jack's lips slide up and over his left shoulder, and with a voice deep as the oceans and as inaudible as his shadow...

He mocks Ennis and his hard dick shifting in his jeans.

(J) _"...figure I ain't wrong now... am I?"_

Ennis was in awe of the scene in front of him. Jack was on his knees, legs spread as far as they would go showing Ennis, and nature for that matter, everything he had to give... Jack had a lot to take. 

The deviant innocence in Jack's eyes when he looked back at Ennis was seduction at its highest state, and Jack had it perfected.

Ennis didn't know how or why he was so good at it…

…but he knew he was weak.

(E) _"Goddamn you, Jack."_

Ennis popped his belt buckle, unzipped his jeans, and was in Jack before his heart could finish a beat. His warmth was suffocating. Taking every breath from Ennis with each pump of his hips.

(J) _"Yeah... Enni... mmmFUCK!"_

Ennis had flattened Jack’s chest onto the warm pebbles beneath him, his right cheek resting on them the same. Jack was still "healing" from the last time Ennis had fucked him, but he took the pleasure over the pain of it and opened himself as much as he could to make sure there wasn't any hesitation from him.

Hit after hit after hit. Ennis didn't care. All he cared about was giving Jack his seed. His eyes begged for it and his insides deserved it. Every drop of it.

(E) _"I'm not fuckin' aroun'... Jack. I'ma' make you know this... shhiitt."_

Deep grunt from his gut.

(J) _"wha... what? Ennis? ... Know what?"_

(E) _"..... yer mine ...... all a ya' ... is mine."_

(J) _"yesYesYES! I'm fuckin' nobodies... but yers… GoddamnDAMN! Ennis."_

Jack's whole body was bright red from bringing all of the pressure he had in him down onto Ennis.

He lifted himself from the pebbles and was at eye level with Ennis, twisting his torso around to face him. 

The two men were forehead to forehead, lips grazing the air between, Ennis making Jack’s head bobble around while he used him like he loved to be used.

(J) _"But ye...oh shit Enni...give it to me please. Don' bitch out on me. Please? Please? You promise me you won’t stop? Please?”_

Ennis buried his face into Jack's strained neck, licking & sucking it. Jack’s voice changes in pitch, higher, louder, and thick with sweetness. This final straw of stimulation broke his will to maintain his uber-macho energy.

This wasn’t Ennis breaking Jack. Ennis helped Jack identify a side to him he didn’t know existed.

Ennis brought it out of him and Ennis fucked him harder hearing it, another level of sexual submission from Jack that, again, Ennis wasn’t prepared ever to experience, but was truly enamored in.

(E) _“I promise... oh... shit... I promise I’m not... you know I’m not. Tell me you know I won’t ever stop.”_

(J) “ _FUCK! Yes. Don’t you ever fuckin’ stop doin’ this ta’ me. Keep it up. Keep it the fuck up. Keep. It. The. Fuck. Up. God. Fuck!!!"_

Ennis pushed Jack back down into his starting position. Gently pulled out of him, took of his boots and jeans.

(J) _“You don’t listen?! You crazy sunuvabitch! I told you don’t..AGGGHHH!!!.”_

Ennis had literally mounted his buddy. Feet secured all the way up on either side of Jack’s hips and rode Jack. All of his length and girth deep inside of Jack out just like he begged for.

(E) _“you shut the fuck up... you hear me? This is what you don’ want me ta’ stop doin’?”_

(J) _“OH FUCK!!! EN!!!! Yer so dee...”_

Ennis had Jack's voice and moans ringing in his ears. Surrounding him in an energy of hunger and lust, eating him alive. He would have been fine with dying this way—Miles deep and lost in Jack.

Ennis felt the sensation building from the inside out, and he was combating Jack's pressure with his own. His muscles start to tighten, and his grip on Jack's waist got harder. Pounding in and out of him with no thoughts or concerns.

He was a "Jackhammer."

He couldn’t help but smile big.

(E) _"Jack... JACK! Aaawww ssshhhiittt! Yer gonna' take all of it... I'm 'bout ta' give...IT..."_

Ennis couldn't speak anymore. All he could do was build up his moans louder and higher until he came deep inside of Jack. Filling him.

Jack couldn't tell when he had started or when he ended. He heard Ennis grunting into his neck and felt his dick pulse over and over inside him. The thick warmth spreading throughout... 

Ennis slowly slides out and lays down next to Jack. He's shifted his stance to the one he seduced Ennis with. Chest on the pebbles, right cheek the same facing towards Ennis, back arched and legs spread.

(E) _"Ja... it's... never this good. NEVER been this good. Yer ass is the sweetest most givin’ thing I ever experienced.”_

(J) _“... my ass gives n’ yer dick takes? I think it’s the other way aroun’ boy. You still don’t know how this works?”_

They laugh manically together.

_(E) “God... Jack... What the fuck we got out here? I can't... make sense of none.... of it. Fuck...."_

(J) _"I think… it's always gonna' be this good... on my name it'll get better n' better. If it doesn’t you make sure ta’ tell me."_

(E) _"Yes Sir... Goddamn..."_

He chuckles in astonishment. 

A victory kiss as Jack’s body absorbs Ennis.

They lazily lounge on the creek's shore until mid-morning and get back into the sheepherder mindset. Every glance is a flirt, every back turned is a moment to observe the other unknowingly, every grunt is a reminder, it's all a dance between the two men, a volley of subliminal actions stroking the other’s temptation until they fall back onto each other's lips and shift into a wrestling match where they both come out the victor. 

There's a bliss that's as true as the sunshine radiating on them here. Their life before Brokeback is on hold. 

They've been reborn and fear their death when it's over.

It looms heavily on them, but the distraction is the other’s smile, and they'd much rather think of that than of being divided with no future visible of the two of them together.


	3. SUPPLY

# 3\. SUPPLY

  
**[SUMMER 1988 – RIVERTON, WYOMING – MORNING]**

Ennis woke up around 8 am.

Blades of muted light cutting across the interior of his trailer, bringing into focus how simple his life has become.

(E) _“If you don’ got nothin’, then you don’ need nothin’.”_

He told Alma Jr. once.

Ennis never went and picked up any new furniture. Jr. never harped on it again.

The sunshine was short-lived; he laid in bed till 930, and by then, the morning became grey—no presence of the sun peeking through the clouds.

A wind had picked up whipping dirt and pebbles into the trailer. Ennis enjoyed the wind, especially a wind that announced rain. The weather forecast projected a heavy thunderstorm starting around mid-afternoon, which he kept in mind.

His body is sore, a little worse for wear.

He does stretches he read about in a doctor’s office to combat his growing age and his body’s reaction to it.

He still does hard labor, a calving operation managed by a longtime colleague that keeps him active for the most part. Manages a night shift he specifically requested; he didn’t have to work as hard as he did, but what else did he have to do but work?

Sleeping through the day is ideal.

He doesn’t have much thought about it; he just knows it helps him be a “productive member of God’s society.” Some high Christian advert he heard on the radio a couple of times. It stuck to him in a bad way.

Ennis had been a productive member of society since he was in the womb.

He runs through an internal list of tasks he’d like to complete throughout the day. Most of which he’d have no problem getting done by noon.

  1. Laundry
  2. Food
  3. Socks, Boxers, Shirts



Simple enough.

Ennis’s shower earlier that morning was merely a placeholder for a distraction. Ceremonial. To keep at bay all of the “tar” in his mind. 

Taking showers actually to clean his body was a challenge. He’d do so as often as his mind would allow. Being exhausted most of his waking hours, he couldn’t make an effort. He didn’t see the point anymore. He wasn’t a slob; he didn’t leave behind any residue when he touched anything, nor did he have a stench about him. He never let it get that bad. The thought of getting naked, getting wet, scrubbing himself, washing, drying himself… it was tiresome.

He does find comfort in them, though—especially the ice-cold ones during the Summer. Along with being a relief from the heat, the shock makes him feel something. It tricks his brain into another state he couldn’t get to on his own. When he did take them, he would get in, brush his teeth, rub the soap in the main spots and rinse his hair out. Rarely would a rag touch his skin. He’s gotten a lot better about it compared to 4 years ago.

Today was one of those days where he put in the effort. Caffeine in his system stimulated him some to move more swiftly through his… “tar.” He was going out into town. Most people knew him, and he was self-conscious about his appearance, and being presentable in the daylight was a must.

He put his clothes together and laid them across the kitchen counter/ironing board. A worn-out white wifebeater under a worn-out baby blue, white, & pale-yellow striped button-up, tucked into his faded light blue jeans and a pair of worn-out socks inside his worn-out brown boots. His Resistol was the only thing he owned that wasn't worn out. 2 to pick from. Ennis was always privy to wearing his go-to… It was the smoothest creamy tan color with a brown leather hatband and a silver buckle. He kept it in pristine condition.

The other he barely wore. It had a weight to it that he wasn’t strong enough to carry. Jet black, black braided leather hatband, blinding silver buckle. He had it made custom to his memory. The style and the additions he took his time to choose. He found the buckle on his own, it looked just like he knew it to look.

He put it on once, as soon as he got it home, brought it to his bathroom mirror, closed his eyes, and placed it on his head. He opened his eyes just before they could catch up to his reflection.

The reminders were some of the worst things to deal with.

He keeps it in a box on the top of his closet.

Needless to say, his everyday hat would stay his everyday hat.

Dressing up was quick, gathering his laundry was quick, lighting a cigarette was quick, grabbing his keys was quick, he was out the door quick.

He trotted down the dirt walkway to his truck. The gradient of black started to seep into the white clouds in the distance. He’s sure he’d make it before it started.

Ennis threw his stuff into the passenger seat and was off. 

The drive into town simple enough. A handful of teenagers walking from a watering hole off the side of the road. Random strays. Flatland as far as the eye could see.

Into town, his first stop is the laundry mat. Greeting the clerk in his muttered voice. He starts his only ever single load at the same machine he always uses. Dumps the ARMY bag's contents and the bag itself into the barrel, never separating anything. All of the fresh dye in his clothes was long gone, splits the sheets, pillowcases, and comforter so that they don't get tangled together, they always do, pours in a cup of detergent, closes the lid, turns the dial, deposits his money and starts the machine. A 24-hour laundry mat, he can't say that he hasn't come here late night/early morning to disconnect. He likes to sit here. It’s cool in the Summer, and during the winter, it's especially comforting. He comes at least once a week; Saturdays are best. The owners don't say anything to him. He's fallen asleep in the corner too many times to count, and they've just let him be. He's grateful. Today, he sits through the 30-minute washing cycle, watches some game show on the tv, and catches up on the newspaper. The buzzer goes off, and he repeats the next steps the same as the last only difference is, he gets a dryer sheet from the vending machine. .05 cents a sheet. He likes the smell. It's not too perfumy but makes an impact. He buys 2 and throws them in the dryer. Something that makes his trips out of the trailer a little more worth it. He thinks it’s sad on the one hand… but doesn’t really give a fuck on the other. It’s his attempt at not locking himself away. He could clean his clothing in a steel tub at the trailer, save some money, he could, but it's more so about the calmness—the simplicity of it, of the washing machines and their constant whirring. No voices, no music, no static; to him, it’s a perfect noise.

Since he wants to beat the storm, he doesn't sit through the drying cycle. He heads out to the drug store across the street to pick up some of the food items he needs. 

He walks with his head down; his long legs make it swift and silent.

He’s real hesitant about being in public nowadays. He used to think he’d be some kind of pansy for being anxious because of “people.” What the fuck did they think they could do to him. He was always mentally the tallest in the room, on top of physically.

He’s not the same Ennis though...

The drug store is a catch-all of sorts, and more often than not, he's able to pick up most of his food items. It’s quiet. His food list is the same, so he makes a quick sweep up and down the aisles. Canned soups, chips he likes, milk, eggs, kraft singles, bread, butter, honey, biscuits, apples, a couple of tins of spam, and a tube of ground beef: and makes his way to check out.

_"Hey, Ennis."_

(E) _"Mornin'."_

He’s too tired for this today.

_"You been alright? Hotter n' hell out there, huh?"_

(E) _"Yeah... It been gettin' up."_

_"We got the A/C goin' on in the house... makes quick work. Keeps the wife from killin' me in my sleep. Hot flashes or whatnot."_

Ennis is struggling.

_"Anythin' else you be needn’?"_

(E) _"Cart'n a Marlboros. Regular's fine. 2 bottles a Comfort... That'll do it."_

Ennis pays for his groceries and walks them back to his truck. He places the bags on the passenger side floor and makes sure the doors are locked. He caught a drifter once trying to break in. After giving the old man a jerk at his collar and a verbal lashing, he ended up giving him a pack of cigarettes and a bag of his favorite jerky.

(E) _"God… Damnit."_

He forgot the jerky. 

He walks past the laundry mat stopping to glare into the window. Cupping his giant hands to peer in. His clothes are still spinning. One more stop, he makes his way to the general store. 

Head down. Swift walk. 

As he walks in, he scans the front section of the place and collects his thoughts on what he came to pick up. His ears pick up a familiar song playing underneath the background noise, shopping and talking. 

He tries to ignore it.

He walks to the men’s clothing section and grabs a bag of white calve socks, a pack of medium white cotton boxers, a package of medium white crew-neck t-shirts, and a bag of medium white wifebeaters. Carrying them in his hands.

He does an about-face back down the aisle and catches Alma walking up to a cashier’s register.

His heart felt small and lost in his chest.

She doesn’t seem to notice him. He observes. A somberness in his stomach. He can’t remember the last time he’s seen her. Her hair was long and curled, a lighter shade of dirty blonde then he knew her to have; she was barefaced, a rosy tint to her lips and cheeks, a delicate light baby blue camisole dress covered in white lace fit loosely on her small frame. She looked happy.

She looked like she was happy.

He drops the pack of socks and ducks to gather them back into his arms. He comes up and is in eye contact with her.

She stares for a moment. He nods his head toward her. She smiles gently.

The girls were never given much explanation about their separation other than they just grew apart.

Alma would never speak ill of him to them, only saying,

(A) _“Your daddy is just a distant man sometimes… He was too distant for me to ever be able to catch up to.”_

Jr. had mentioned a friend of her father’s passing away to Alma. She told her that he wasn’t doing too well after visiting a week or so after he found out. That she’d never seen him broken. Alma couldn’t help but feel victorious. Her shredded heart’s cries finally answered. She caught herself being too caught in happiness. Guilt not for Ennis and his loss, but for herself, she didn't want that evil on her soul. She cared, though, on the backend of it all. Her closing out of the story was sending Ennis a bouquet of funeral flowers. The cheapest she could find. A note.

“Jr. told me. My prayers Ennis.

Alma~”

She thanks the clerk and walks out of the store; she floats past the storefront windows, vanishing from his sight.

_“Sir, you find everything you need, alright?”_

A small jump from the soles of his boots.

(E) _“I’m fine, thanks.”_

He hurries off to stand in line. He catches the last verse of the song playing as he walked in. curses his luck under his breath.

Typical.

_"I'm sorry, so sorry._   
_Please accept my apology._   
_But love was blind, And I was too blind to see."_

His eyes start to sting. His heart starts to race.

He won’t let himself do this in the middle of this place.

The cashier doesn't know him. Her eyes linger. His eyes bloodshot and glossy. He doesn't care to notice. Pays for his goods and leaves. 

Head down, almost running.

He gets to the truck, almost leaves town without his laundry, screeches to a stop in front of the laundry mat, rushes in and out of the building.

He’s past the town limits.

Tears break past his eyelashes.

How much does he have to deal with? He went out for a couple of hours to do a couple of tasks and now he's ready to go to sleep driving at 100 mph. He's not been the best man he could be. Not the best father, Husband, or... partner. But he tried with everything to balance all of it. 

He’s so tired.

Dark grey clouds finally catch up to him and crack open as he gets to his trailer.

He gathers everything from the passenger side in one thick handful.

Head down, no purpose in his step.

His eyes catch sight of a package sitting on a step.

Drenched. 

He jumps into the trailer, drops everything on the counter, and goes back out to grab it.


	4. PACKAGE

# 4\. PACKAGE

He grabs the fresh bottle of Comfort and downs a shot.

Hunches over the kitchen counter.

Tears come much easier now, making it that more exhausting to fight.

In the last 4 years, he can count the number of times he’s cried on his two hands. In his adult life? Maybe an extra hand or two.

There’s a limit; he’s surpassed it.

He gets himself together with an extra shot and starts to put away his groceries.

Ennis takes all of the items out of their bags and organizes them on the counter. He places the beef, eggs, butter, cheese, and milk in the fridge, bread in a beat-up tin breadbox, soups and spam go into a cabinet above the counter; chips go in the cabinet next to it, biscuits go into a glass jar next to the breadbox. He folds each grocery bag into small squares and places them in another cardboard box next to the door. 

He takes his coat off and hangs it on the inside of the trailer door to dry off, dries off his hat, gives it a quick brush, and places it into its own container on the bottom closet shelf. He unbuttons his shirt and lets it slide off of his shoulder into his waiting hands. Two quick whips and he places it on a hanger outside of the closet to dry as well, along with his jeans.

Like everything else, Ennis doesn't have many clothes. He can recite what he owns in a breath. He wears out everything he has until he can't wear it anymore, and even then, he'll try to get more out of it, but he’s mindful. Undergarments aren’t things he can skimp on. He can wear out a pack like nobody’s business. Every 3 months, he shifts his entire collection of socks, boxers, and undershirts; it makes him feel clean.

He strips down to just his boxers, tattered and loose on his slender hips.

A moment of intimacy in the company of the surrounding silence and heavy rain beating on the tin roofing.

He has to man up. He has to get a grip. He has to nut up.

He knows this. He tells himself every day. He beats himself up, and it probably puts him in a deeper pit.

Ennis saw a flier once for the Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Riverton.

# 

He jotted down the number and still has it in his wallet. He wasn’t a soldier, but maybe they’d be able to give him so kind of guidance. Something.

But his pride was an enemy he could never eliminate…

(J) _“Goddamnit, Ennis, you stubborn asshole. I swear… if we wasn’t obligated to this mountain, I’d make dust right now.”_

(E) “Aaaawwww… don’t go gettin’ upset Darlin’… sides, the mountain isn’t the only thing yer obligated to.”

He wipes down the counter and drops his still warm laundry across it, separates and organizes like items. Everything gets folded the same and in the most efficient way possible. It helps him maintain what little storage space he has. He has control over it. As much energy as he puts into making it nice, it'll stay that way... It will stay nice.

The new bundles of undergarments are taken out of their packaging and are automatically placed in the ARMY bag. The next laundry run will retire his current stash.

Ennis steps back and makes sure he got everything; he sees the package.

No one would send him anything bigger than a sheet of paper.

He sets up for a cup of coffee.

Something is off.

Of course, he's only going off of what he knows to be logical. Nobody would be sending him anything, let alone a package.

He's hesitant. 

The box is about 14 inches tall and 7 inches wide. With it being so damaged by the rain, he doesn’t see any sender information. He figures there could be something identifying it inside. He nervously starts to peel the soggy cardboard box away, revealing another white box heat wrapped in plastic. A piece of soft yellow paper underneath the heat wrapping reads:

# 


	5. HELD

# 5\. HELD

Ennis' heart starts to race. 

He grabs a box cutter and cuts the plastic wrap that was sealing the box, inspects the yellow slip to see if there's any more detail on it.

Nothing.

He cuts the tape holding the box together and pulls it apart.

He has an idea… He almost wants to leave it be. Just… not to have to deal with it.

A Styrofoam encasing, he splits.

His eyes closed.

Its contents… cool to the touch.

A muted clink sounds off as he places it onto the counter top.

Heavier than he realized it would be.

Split between two gave him the illusion that He’d be half the weight.

His thick hands slide across the container and down to its base as he sinks, resting on his thighs in front of the counter, his forehead held up on its edge.

A dizzy hollowness in his skull and weakness in his knees.

Ennis lifts levels his eyesight with the countertop and looks up to see Him as He is now, how He is in Ennis’s hand.

Held.

A high gloss black urn.

Painted bands of gleaming platinum wrap in multiple rings around the container.

(E) _“I can’t…do this...”_

His thighs start to ache.

He lowers all the way to sit on the ground, turning around, and leaning back on the cabinet space below the counter.

The Urn hovering over his crown...

The stillness is a vacuum.

What rain and wind he heard no longer permeates through his trailer. His breathing is faint. His heartbeat is no longer his.

Arms covering himself.

He takes the time to ask for forgiveness.

From a god, he’s not spoken to in a very long time.

His divine light gone from his gaunt face.

His tears flow over the dark circles under his eyes and reach past the surface of his cheeks. Wiping them away only causes the stream to spread their remnants further over his jaw and down his neck.

He sits there for a long moment.

In punishment.

Remembering.

Every one of His winks acknowledging an awkwardness He wasn't afraid of, the jumps He’d make in His sleep in the deepest dark of their hideaway, the mellow copper tone of the voice He’d use when He actually would sing thinking he wasn't heard, the feeling of rose petals melted into His skin when lips pressed against it, the lick at the right corner of His lips He’d do anywhere, everywhere, anytime, to anybody when He was in thought...

Him saying that He needed Ennis…

He remembers every single disgustingly beautiful thing about Him.

Ashamed in his fear and lack of tact during their relationship.

His unwillingness to try.

He can’t forgive himself.

(E) “Jack, I fuckin'… I fuckin' I swear… I swear… I swear…”

Into a whisper, into a sob, into him laid out on the warm and lifting linoleum.

The winds and rains scream across the surrounding plain, slamming into his trailer, with little care for what's inside.


	6. LIGHTING

# 6\. LIGHTING

Ennis… sat in a corner chair across the trailer… his eyes unmoving.

The urn… sat on the counter staring at him the same.

An empty bottle of Comfort in his hand and another piece of pale-yellow paper in his lap…

# 

…along with an earnest note.

# 

He read it over and over, hoping that there’d be more.

That he’d hear Jack’s voice in between the spaces.

Sometimes he makes himself so angry.

Always hoping for more than what’s allowed.

Ennis sloshes between crying and a confused smile.

He’s exactly how Ennis would have expected him to look. The black & platinum and the high gloss were him.

Seeing him this way reminded Ennis about how proud he was… to walk with Jack.

His looks were admirable, and the way he dressed was clean-cut and classic. There never seemed to be a pill or a random hair or fuzz on anything he wore. He was crisp. Put together in every way.

The rare number of times that they’d go somewhere outside of a camping site, out into the public, was always nerve-wracking for Ennis, but Jack would always provide assurance that they were far enough out of the way and help him enjoy the chance outing. More often than not, it was at the stern hand of Jack.

The year of their 30th birthdays, they found themselves between Riverton and the Tetons, at a flea market on the grounds of a fair. Ennis had never been to one so big and was almost distracted enough to enjoy their time there. They caught the eyes of everybody around them. Polite in any way he could be, Ennis was tense.

Jack corralled him as only he knew how to.

**~**

(J) _“En… you gotta’ … gotta’ settle down… you got crazy in yer eyes. Scarin’ the babies away n' shit... Howdy, ma’am.”_

Ennis chuckled nervously.

(E) _“I’m sorry… you know me… this is…”_

(J) _“A lot… I know, I know. It’s alright, though. Have I ever let anythin’ happen to you? Hm?”_

Ennis stopped in his tracks and sidestepped out of the flow of traffic.

Jack realized, turned to face him.

(J) _“huh? You, OK? What’s the matter?”_

Ennis couldn’t help but to stay quiet and stare at Jack; his face couldn’t have been too calm the way he was staring back at him.

(J) _“Buddy… come on? You, OK? What happened? You wanna’ leave? Let me know n’ I’ll get you outta’ here. None a this matters more than…”_

Deep under his breath.

(E) _“You… ain’ ever let anythin' happen... ta' me... No…”_

(J) _“… Alright… Alright… n’ I’m not gonna’ let anythin’ happen here neither… Ennis… the world is rough. The world is rough for this…”_

Jack motions in the space between them. A bright smile…

(J) _“…but we look like this… We’re the tallest damn people in this place… they’re starin’ at you because they like ta’. Not for no other reason... You should know better by now… We’re gonna’ make a walk aroun’ this place. Every inch of it n’ then we’re gonna’ get some food… n’ then we’re gonna’ get a hotel, we can keep pushin’ tomorrow mornin’. I got more to say on this subject Ennis n’ the woods ain’ where I wanna’ say it. OK?”_

(E) _“Yeah… Yeah… I’m sorry.”_

(J) _“There ain’ nothin’ to be sorry about. I know you. Alright. I know.”_

Ennis’ heart was pumping through his skin.

_(J) “You make me wanna’ say fuck it and hug you tight boy in front of all of these people… I figure I'd have to worry more about you knockin' me out than them doin' it though. It’s alright… come on... Friend... you ever had a fried fuckin' oreo?”_

**_~_ **

Ennis has stood up and walked back to the kitchen counter; he rummages in a drawer directly underneath the surface the urn is on and pulls out a roll of thin black electrical tape and a pair of scissors. He pulls out a strip, snips it, meticulously wraps it around the lid where it connected to the urn's body, making sure to press down on every part of the tape to create a stronger seal.

He made sure it was seamless and didn't take away from the container's look in any way.

Finally holds it in both of his hands. Rolling it in his palms and feeling the subtle shifting of matter on its insides.

It’s deeply surreal.

He feels a rough patch on the opposite side, thought maybe there was some damage.

Completely rolling it around, he sees an engraving in the same platinum as the bands. A mountain, a forest of pines laying out in front of it, a tower of clouds behind the mountain. He glides his fingers over the lines and spaces that make up the scene. 

Jack made sure his wishes were clear.

Ennis knew better than to believe his father cared about burying him with family…

He gathers the soggy torn-up pieces of cardboard to throw away and puts together the white one to use later. He remembers... there's supposed to be something else? That Jack wore all of the time. The red handkerchief… He looks through the mushy cardboard again and into the white box but doesn't see anything. He grabs the Styrofoam on the bottom and its sides… he feels a difference in texture.

A white envelope, Ennis could barely see it. It was damp and adhered to the Styrofoam. He pulls out a bright red handkerchief. Ennis' favorite piece of clothing that Jack would wear.

Ironed flat and crisp.

He picks it up, unfolds, and spreads it across the counter.

It was folded around a photograph of Jack. Full figure, head to toe. One foot hiked up on a bright white fence, smiling into the camera. It had to be from around the time he met Jack. His smile was as intense as it was in person, hair thick, dark, & curly, his stature so proud and headstrong. 

Ennis hadn't seen his face in so long.

His eyes are hot.

The back labels the photo:

_"JACK TWIST (19) 1963 LIGHTNING FLAT"_

Ennis places the photo to the side and examines the handkerchief. He sees a jumble of white threading in one of the corners. He rubs his fingers across it, not able to tell what it is.

He flips it over.

This was too much for him. 

He was so tired. 

He was exhausted. 

He tried to hold it together. 

He wanted just to be... OK.  
  
  


_J.T. + E.D.M._   
  
  


Ennis was bent over the counter with his palms pressed against his eyes.

He had so much to say. He had so much in him. What does he do with it?

He doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing. 

This isn't a breakup. 

This isn't a separation. 

This isn't a divorce. 

This isn't just a death. 

Ennis stands up.

He resets. 

He holds the handkerchief in his hands, looking at his and Jack's initials. When did he do this? Jack never showed him. He delicately folds it into a small rectangle and places it into his shirt's breast pocket along with the photograph.

It's half past noon. 

He grabs a bag and starts to throw the newly washed clothing along with nonperishable food items into it.

Runs outside and throws the bag into the truck, his sleeping bag and a full-size tent set up already in the bed.

His regiment was disrupted. He was spontaneous.

He was supposed to come home, and everything would be the same as it always was.

He steps into the trailer and grabs Jack... Makes sure the Styrofoam is secure and slides it into the white box it came in with.

The coffee. He throws the water into a canteen and grabs the jar of coffee. It goes into the cab with him. Tosses it into the passenger seat.

He starts to barrel through the rain.

His heart is breaking all over again.

Before he ended his visit with Jack's mother and father, he grabbed a small piece of scratch paper and a worn-out pencil from a drawer at his desk while he was in Jack's room. He wrote on it in the neatest way possible " _just in case._ " Along with his address. 

He did it purely for chance and wanted to know that he did it. He tried.

She found the paper and held onto it, never used it for anything else, until now.

He had just got onto open road.

Ennis takes a sharp swerve, pulling off, and stops.

He sits in the seat in silence.

Hazard lights blinking. Rain battering his truck. 

_(E) "FUCK! FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!"_

Ennis bellows, repeatedly slamming his hands on the steering wheel and thrashing about.

He’s so tired.

He sits in the seat in silence.

Hazard lights blinking. Rain battering his truck. 


	7. CLOUDS

# 7\. CLOUDS

**[SUMMER – 1963 - Brokeback Mountain - Mid-Day]**

Jack sits on the ground against his favorite log on top of his favorite hill. Hands in the pockets of his zipped-up coat, hat sitting loosely and pushed back on his head, legs crossed one over the other. He's looking out at the bright towering kingdom of white clouds floating across the sky in front of him. His cheeks & nose are rosy, and his eyes & eyelashes glisten. 

He's serene and fine in the moment.

Behind Jack and the log, Ennis breaks the tree line and walks around and into Jack's view.

(E) _"Mmm, right, sorry if you been wai..."_

(J) _"C'mere."_

Jack motions Ennis over with his head.

Ennis awkwardly shuffles towards and stands over Jack.

(J) _"What’re you doin' boy? I gotta' tell you everythin'?"_

Jack uncrossed & spread his legs, jittering them for Ennis to sit in between. A squint in his eyes from the sun shining into them while looking up at his buddy.

Ennis, stoic, takes his hat off, places it on top of the log behind them, and sits down in the space he was offered. He shuffles down so that the back of his head rested on Jack's stomach. 

(J) _"You comfortable?"_

_(E) "...mmhm."_

They sit for a while in silence. They're both exhausted and sore. No matter how fit they are, they could always be fitter to do the work they do. Taking these moments to relax and relax together in this environment makes things flow a lot easier. Relieves stress that would otherwise be built up in them if they hadn't discovered their relationship. It's hard for them to think about what it would be like if they hadn't found out about their connection. 

They end up having something more to look forward to other than supply deliveries every other week.

A sharp breeze periodically washes over them but is kept in check by the suns and each other's warmth. The sky, bluer than ever, and the clouds were miles high and gleaming.

Jack gently breaks the silence.

(J) _"Mm... En… You reckon' them clouds is higher than they look?"_

Ennis, incredibly relaxed from the up and down movements of Jack's stomach while he breathes in and out, glances up to the top of the clouds and down to the lowest point.

(E) _"…they look as tall as they 'posed ta' be Jack."_

Ennis says with uncertainty in his deep resonating voice.

(J) _"They gotta' be miles high... I can't compare its size to anythin' I known about or seen... figure I'm too small to understand or some shit... dunno. I'm just thinkin' out loud I 'spose."_

Ennis hears Jack and although he knows there's no point to the question... "too small" piques his interest.

(E) _"Not... too small... We're size we should be. We was tall as clouds; there'd be no room fer us nowhere."_

Jack pulls his right hand out of his jacket pocket and places it underneath Ennis' chin, rubbing downwards, stopping on his throat. Jack liked to rest his hand on Ennis' adam’s apple and feel it vibrate when he talked. His voice was so deep and warm. Its resonance was pleasing to Jack. The drawl of his words wasn't uncommon where he grew up but coming from a man who didn't speak in long sentences... it was one of the most enjoyable sounds Jack had ever heard.

Ennis just lets Jack do what he wants because he likes the way he touches him so adoringly.

(E) _"This size? ... I'm able to sit here... no discomfert."_

Jack smiles, hearing the seriousness in Ennis's voice.

(J) _"How tall're you, Ennis?"_

(E) _"6'1, I remember right... n' yer bout what? ... 5'5... 5'6 on a good day?"_

(J) _"oh... well, look at ch'you. You makin' a joke, boy?"_

Jack chuckles, playfully gripping Ennis' throat. Ennis pulls his chin down onto the hand, tickling him and chuckling in unison. 

Jake barely stood shorter than Ennis.

Jack was Ennis' perfect opposite in many ways in the basic scheme of things. Blond & brunette, quieter & louder, brown eyes & blue eyes, cared for & caregiver, rougher & gentler, dominant & submissive, taller & shorter.

It was an ideal pairing.

(J) _"You sound to be right, Del Mar. You sittin' between my legs feels right perfect... n' this size suits it..."_

(E) _"Yeah."_

Ennis yawns 

(E) _"Feels good."_

He lifts his knees at an angle and kneads his head into Jack's stomach.

(E) _"You talkin' bout clouds makes you feel like clouds... n' when you get ta' feelin' like clouds..."_

Ennis doesn't finish his sentence.

(J) _"I'm fluffy?"_

(E) _"Yer fluffy."_

(J) _"I'm soft?"_

(E) _"Yer soft."_

(J) _"I float?"_

(E) _"…You… make me float."_

Ennis lazily says, giving up on keeping his eyes open. He gives into how comfortable he is and knocks out in between Jack's legs. 

Jack places a kiss on top of his crown and wraps both of his arms around Ennis' neck, pulling him into a deep sense of protection and comfort.

Sleep came to him swiftly. 

These are the moments he wants to be stuck in. Jack just wants to do this. It can't be that hard. To keep up with. Sure, they leave here at the end, but... they keep in contact, and then they come back next Summer, and they do it again. The time away would make sense of how important it is that they see each other. Stay in this place. That's how he sees it so simply. 

Eventually, his brain stops running through scenarios, Ennis' gentle snore soothes Jack into a unified sleep. 

They're sitting in nature. Asleep. Leaning against a log. Together.

Mid-day goes by, and the sheep settle in their groups for the coming evening sticking together for warmth; the sound of birds slowing down, lighting and shadows across the ravine shifts, the sky is ignited.

Ennis sluggishly opens his eyes to a setting sun that lit the sky on fire. Ablaze with an ombré of pale yellow, pink, orange, and purple projected onto the thick clouds still in view.

Jack's arms are still wrapped around his neck; Ennis wakes up to warmth and the sound of Jack breathing deeply above his head. Ennis didn't want to move, but he also didn't want to lose light before checking the woolies.

(E) _"mmm... Jack... you fell asleep? We slept through noon n' into sunset."_

(J) _"hmHuh? ...Shit... Yougotme_ *YAWN* _toocomfortable."_

Ennis leans forward through Jack's arms and stands up. He turns back and gives Jack a sturdy hand lifting him directly into his own arms, wrapping them around his groggy counterpart. 

(E) _"I'll say it again; you was right comfortable. Very much so... can't remember a time I ever felt as such."_

(J) _"well... now you know how *YAWN* mm... comfortable I am... be yer pillow anytime."_

They share a slow kiss. Deeply intertwining and melting into each other.

(E) _I'm gone go ahead n' make a run roun' the lot of 'um. You go on n' get dinner started? I'll be behind you."_

Ennis brings his hands down Jack's back and into his jean's back pockets. A gentle pull bringing them back together to continue…

Ennis likes to describe how they kiss, like how honey rolls around a half-filled mason jar.

(J) _“… Ennis Ennis Ennis …"_

Jack whispers through a smile that could nourish a field of Sunflowers through a hundred seasons. 

(E) _"… Jack Jack Jack …"_

(J) " _You ain't got no right bein' this damn charmin' you slick sonuvabitch... well... shouldn' take long, you reckon? I can wait for you. Can ride back together? Or you rather food be ready for ya' soon as yer done?"_

Ennis walks backward until his arms fall away from Jack.

They enjoy this playful banter like two high school sweethearts. They're not hand in hand running through the wildflowers and sipping a whisky milkshake together through straws, but they're much sweeter than they knew they were capable of. They've both discovered a new side of their personalities.

Reserved purely for the other.

Jack could be this way with any number of girls he was with growing up. 

Roles have been switched, however, and he's comforted.

Ennis can only relate to him and Alma. It was deeply similar, but this felt... more genuine to him?

It gave him a little anxiety to think about.

...Roles haven't necessarily been switched; he's comfortable still in his.

The rugged job they do every single day, all day, for it to be cut by moments of softness make them both feel intensely light. 

A slow blink, a conscious decision to increase the sappiness, and a term of endearment that meant something to Ennis... Ennis responds.

(E) _"You'n wait for me all you like lil' darlin'... I'll make it right quick."_

Jack feels his skin tingle and throws his hands into his jean pockets, gently kicking at the ground at his feet.

This was the first time Ennis had called him anything other than “Jack.”

(J) _"A... alright... alright..."_

Smiling like a maniac, blushing, and looking out to the expanse before bringing his eyes back to Ennis, who's smirking, proud of himself.

They both laugh, knowing exactly why.

(J) _"I'ma stand right here n'... I'll wait."_

(E) _"Be here when I get back then?"_

Ennis gets to Cigar Butt and saddles him.

(J) _"I said it... I'll do it_."

(E) _"Well n' shit... lemme go on then so I don't leave you wait'n fer long."_

Ennis and his steed trot around Jack and dash off toward the herd.

A serene expression rolls across Jack's rosy face, and he leans back on the log, taking in the color of fire in the kingdom of clouds.


	8. LAST

# 8\. LAST

**[SUMMER 1988 – BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN – MID-AFTERNOON]**

Ennis made his way through the road & rain. Eyes on scenery he hadn't seen in 4 years. He never thought he would be in circumstances where he had to.

He knew that he hadn’t healthily handled this. Ennis was a man of a certain time, and he had no room for unruly emotions if something happened. He dealt with it. There was no stopping.

Ennis held Jack to so many lights, and one of them was damning.

If Jack wouldn’t have… if he… wouldn’t have made him… If Jack wouldn’t have made him…

He can’t even form the thought. Ennis knows better than to think that this wasn’t his fault.

It’s so easy to blame Jack, though. 

The thoughts still made him uncomfortable the physical memories surrounding him were just as influential. He didn't know how deep this was going to take him. Wasn't at all prepared. He should have just stayed home.

The drive was just as difficult as laying in the dark. 

He pulled up into the gravel parking area where they last saw each other. Vast steamy lake in front of him. He sat at the steering wheel for a good moment staring out at it, organized what he had in the cab, smoked, drank.

Wasted time.

He didn't want to do this.

He’s tried not to obsess over any of it.

Everything he ever did wrong or didn't do at all. Any moment where they could be in each other's presence, and he didn't allow it.

Him thinking about it would have him in a place where he knew it was all his fault.

Ennis could have been on his side, especially when he had nothing left with Alma. He could have tried every way possible for them to keep it up and maybe make it stronger. He was afraid of what was happening, and his way to fix the feeling was to ignore it and go with the flow he regulated.

His ignorance. 

Brokeback changed him. He had no control. Life wasn't the one train track he thought it would be.

Point A to point B, work, make some kids along the way, argue, get old, and die.

There was a fuck load more than that written for him.

Brokeback was a rewrite of everything he ever knew.

Nothing he could do in his whole life would ever help him even to begin to understand what happened. He never had what they had ever again. He tried. God knows Ennis tired… but Ennis never saw any man the way he saw Jack, and no woman made him feel the way he made him feel.

Ennis doesn't want to remember his smile. Or his laugh. His strength. His tenderness. His carefree outlook on everything and how that everything was his to take. He wanted to take Ennis with him. To share it all.

Ennis didn't want to remember his name.

He wishes it were different. He wishes he wasn't there with him that Summer. Wishes they'd never fucked. Wishes they never kissed. Wishes they didn't continue fucking and continue kissing. None of this would be real. They'd have done their job, got paid, and then be on their way.

This is his confusion. 

He did want it. So why didn't he just DO it?

Why didn't he do what was right for them? Ennis could have been happy. He was mighty happy when they were together before and after the sex.

It was more.

Where was he? His mind? It was with Alma. It was with her... and he loved her. He loved the girls.

It was with his fear. He was trapped by it.

But it was his heart... Jack Twist... had his heart that made it all the more difficult.

(E) _"...Why don't you let me be, huh? It's because of you, Jack, that I'm like this... I'm nothin'... I'm... I'm nowhere."_

In this exact spot. Ennis ripped himself away from Jack's arms for the last time.

Ennis lost him there.

It made Jack make his decisions.

He made his decision to get it from somewhere else. From Mexico and wherever the fuck else. 

Ennis took his leave and left Jack heartbroken in his wake, didn’t even try to make sure it was OK.

He was messy and expected for nothing to ever change under his will

He knows in his heart what happened to Jack. His dreams tell him he knows. It wasn't some freak accident. He didn't just die. 

He was ripped from this place. He did something so fucking stupid, and they took him away.

Ennis can't tell himself that it's not his fault. 

So now he's in his truck, with what's left of Jack, alone, at Brokeback fucking Mountain.


	9. CELEBRATE

# 9\. CELEBRATE

**[FALL 1974 – THE TETONS – EARLY-EVENING]**

(J) _"WHAT Ennis? You tell me what?! HUH?! You tell me what? … I fuckin’ ask you n’ you don’t answer… but I know what you told me… n’ I'm tired of it being the answer. I'm fuckin' sick of it, boy… GoddamnIT Ennis! You got me right pissed now!"_

(E) _"…oh, get off it… Yer always sick of it… I told you we got. What. We. Got! We do this over n' over… I've gone n' told you… this in't YOUR fuckin' fault. I know it. It's my cross… But God, if I don' know how to make you understand why I can't do any more than THIS… What do I do?"_

(J) _"...You do what I say! … n' don't give me that look you know what I meant… Don't… I have it for you. Everythin'. We got everythin' we fuckin' need! Always have! But look at us! Struggle, fear, embarrassment, anger, frustration. Right?! All that… but we could have better. It's the fuckin' 70's out there! 80's is comin' behind it. We don't need to be as locked up as you make us. You don't have to be stuck where we was! I hear it 'n yer voice that you want it… I don't understand why you won'… let me fuckin' give it to you."_

(E) _"…it burn me through n' through 'n … when we get to doin' all this yellin’… yeah. I wish it were different… n' yer right… There's nothin' 'bout this that I don't want… I want more… But… I can't say… FUCK!"_

Jack jumps up and slams the whisky bottle on a boulder. 

They're both drunk. This happens every other getaway. The argument that is… being drunk is a given. 

Jack's passion & desperation hits a head, and Ennis's fear & stubbornness collides with it.

(J) _"Fuck… Is right, Ennis. I could curse the ground you fuckin' walk on. God wouldn't blame me for it. Every single day Ennis, you done this to me! To us. At first, it was bearable. I was young n' had the world to see… But now… NOW… I look in the mirror 'n I see nothin'… I don't see nothin' but a lie. How've we been known each other through all these damn years with nothin' to show except for a couple national park stamps? Huh? We can't do anythin'?! Different? How is that OK?_

(E) _"…it ain' OK Jack…"_

(J) _"What was it? '67 till we saw each other again. 4 whole years… We was 20 whatever the fuck?! I thought I… no… look n' listen me when I say this boy! LISTEN! I thought I found truth in them damn mountains. Yeah! You lanky sonuvabitch! … I couldn' explain it… because I can' say that I was runnin' around known I was a fuckin’ QUEER before meetin' you"._

(E) _"…I give you a lot of room to PUSH! A HELLUVA LOTTA’ ROOM! You better watch yer sweet lil’ mouth Jack Twist, don’t push me… don’t you fuckin’…"_

(J) _"No, ENNIS... DEL MAR! YOU watch MY mouth._

Ennis bites his tongue. He has to be the rational one. Jack deserves this…

(J) _”I drive up to yer place in Riverton n' don' know halfway to heaven or hell what was gonna' happen when I saw you… n’… I…I… didn' have to do ANYTHIN'! I was nervous; I didn' know what to do or say. But you just took the reins. YOU run up on ME n' kissed ME the way YOU did… n' we got ta’ fuckin' again n' I knew it. This was it. What we had on that damn mountain was real. It wasn' some fling. It wasn' just another way to cum when we needed it. We went through real shit… n' you got me. I didn' have time to even think otherwise, Ennis. I let myself fall headfirst into it all over again. I thought we were gonna'… make it into more than what it was. Goddamn it, Ennis. You kissed me… you ain' have no business kissin' me the way you did._

_(E) "…is that right? 11 years n' this is how you recall it? I should've done what then? Shook yer hand? Brought you upstairs to Alma, had you wait’n the livin' room with the girls while me n' her got finished dressin'… took you to some fuckin' cheap ass fancy restaurant… split the check n' then called it a day?! Go on… have a nice life…? HUH?"_

_(J) "… you kissed me the way you did n' I imagined when you seen me that day… was like how I seen you for the first fuckin' time… At Aguirre's trailer. I saw you standin' there with yer damn brown paper bag… thinkin' you was the calmest soul I'd ever seen. You wouldn' even look me in the face if I had yer pup's eyes… but I saw you 'n I just had to known it right then n' there! There was somethin' comin' from us meetin'. God knows I couldn' fuckin' predict none of this, huh? 11 fuckin' years it been Ennis? You been just draggin' me behind you n’ I can' do nothin' else but let you do it._

(E) _"I… ain' got no gun to yer head…"_

_Jack is taken aback… Ennis said it…_

_(J) "OH! So, it's that easy. You'd just let me run off? Holdin’ a gun to my head is more work than any you’ve fuckin’ done. So come the fuck on! Come on! Do it. Right HERE! I’d welcome it. "_

Ennis doesn't say anything.

_(J) “There's a lot of you to want. There's a lot about you that makes me stay. Does that matter to you? At all?!”_

Ennis is blank in his face; it annoys Jack.

_(J) “So… get this then… just like you told me… you told me once… real romantic like… when you was fuckin' me halfway into a pillow… that you bust a nut to me before you even knew me… That's how YOU seen ME when WE first met?"_

Ennis connected his line of sight with Jack. Fire in his eyes… but red in the face, he pulls his lips into his mouth, drops his head, eyesight on the ground. He told Jack that with all sincerity, it probably being one of the most intimate stories about himself he's ever shared with anybody.

Ennis didn't know if he was using it to hurt him. 

The argument was starting to get to him.

Jack saw Ennis retreat into himself and panicked.

(J) _"No, Ennis, stop! N… no no no! I didn't me…"_

Tears run down Jack's face.

He never says anything to hurt Ennis or to shame him... But sometimes he does. Seeing Ennis cower is not the intended goal. Ever.

He isn't a weak man by any means, but Jack feels like he's at his weakest when they’re around each other, and it's hard to gauge what he'll react to in such a manner. He can't be open or sensitive when they're apart. So, when they're together, he just drops his armor. It becomes that much more vulnerable to his sensitivity. They've gotten into their physical scuffles over the years, and they're about equal when it comes to the other tapping out, but it takes a lot to mend afterward. Jack would rather not take things down that road. He'd rather not insult Ennis.

Jack could just come to terms with the state of their relationship… But it hurts too much to deal with in silence and kisses.

(J) _"I'm… Ennis… goddamn it… The way you made me feel when I first fuckin' saw you is like what you said 'bout me. You knew me before you even met me?! What does that mean to me but the strongest thing on this Earth?! Who’s ever said that to me? When you told me that I… because you're so soft-spoken Ennis… when you say certain things… it lifts my heart because I know how hard it is fer you to get yer thoughts out. I known that about you more than anybody. That’s not jus’ somethin’ you say to somebody and not have intention."_

Ennis is still flustered.

(J) _"When we met, it wasn't no kind of normal. So, what did we know about the possibilities? I had no idea… But I saw you… n' SEEIN' you made sense to me. I can play it back in my head. I was smitten. So, it was easy fer me to create n' attachment before you even thought to. I got that. Bein' honest? I was horny in'it alone fer awhile… You weren't there with me from the jump… but you did jump, and you jumped hard, Ennis… So, what the fuck we've been doin' all these years? … BUT it's ME! It's me that’s been made to jump higher n' higher fer YOU. I just want you to put a LITTLE bit more effort into this thing, Ennis. I don't get it… Why can't you just jump WITH me? I mean… I'll always put you 1st! I'd never let you hurt. I'd never let anybody hurt you! I’ve always protected you n' taken good fuckin’ care a you! RIGHT?! Like you was my own! Like you was my HEART! I'd never hurt you! NOBODY OUT THERE WOULD DARE HURT YOU WHEN I'M HERE!!! I'D ALWAYS BE HERE!!! I'D NEVER FUCKIN' HURT YOU!!!! I FUCKIN' LO…"_

(E) _**"JACK! GODDAMNIT! I CAN'T!"**_

Ennis sits up in his seat. Eyes glossed over. He's been listening to Jack. He listens to him every time.

Jack shudders at Ennis's booming voice... he's exhausted at this point but still stands. He's in a full cry, trying to subdue it and failing. Making it worse, he’s staring dead straight into Ennis' eyes.

Ennis can barely stand it, but he doesn’t break eye contact; this is him at his tipping point.

(E) _"I CAN'T LET YOU TEAR ME APART WHEN I'M DOIN' IT TO MYSELF!!! I'M RIPPED APART! ME! JACK! HOW THE FUCK IS IT 'POSED TO GO! I CAN BARELY DO THIS WITH YOU! YOU KNOW?! TALKIN'! MY IDEAS MY THOUGHTS DON'T GET OUT LIKE I WANT'UM TOO! I DON'T HAVE THE WORDS, JACK! YOU KNOW THAT! YOU KNOW THAT, AND YOU KNOW I FUCKIN’ TRY ....... I CAN'T EXPLAIN TO YOU!!! … WHAT I CAN'T FUCKIN' EXPLAIN TO MY GODDAMN SSSSEEELLLLFFFF!!!"_

Ennis yells into the air.

A long pause. 

Music playing from the truck radio.

The crackle of the fire.

(E) _" You… know me, Jack. You know it's hard fer me n' you know I try the best I can. I always have. But… I'm tryin' for me n' Alma too, Jack. I have to—my wife n' mother of my girls, Jack. I gotta' try… I got to support them… runnin' off with you… is… me tryin’ and it’s more than me runnin’ of with you, it is, n’ don’ think I don’ know it’s more than that… if anythin’, I ever say to you doesn' mean anythin' …know that I hope this means everythin' to you… I'm right broken. I live alone… I'm sleepin' n' eatin' alone. They sit across from me n' she sleep beside me… but I'm alone Jack… n' it burns me up inside n' more ways than one that I'm not eatin' n' sleepin' with you. God knows I struggle, Jack Twist."_

Jack has dropped his head in his hands… he’s inconsolable. Ennis doesn't know if he should go to him or not.

He doesn't.

(E) “Look at me, Jack… please…”

He doesn’t.

(E) “I know it’s hard fer you.”

He shifts the conversation.

(E) _"Jack, what if this happened where we were at? In our place? In some city? N' we get to fightin' for real? Somebody hear us n' they not as friendly as we thought? That's one thing, Jack. One mistake. That could destroy everythin’. I'm scared of what I've seen… n'you know what I seen. They don't give a fuck about it. If you were taken from me? ....... If YOU were taken from ME… I know it seems like we don't have each other, Jack, but there are worse things than bein' separated by months n’ road trips."_

Ennis is breaking down again; no tears fall.

(E) _“… n’ these mountains… This is where we started all of this n' I'm sorry for feelin' most comfortable here. I'm jus’… I'm sorry, Jack."_

The whisky was an enemy of theirs tonight. 

Jack keeps his head in his hands and drops into his seat. His shoulders bouncing. He's frustrated with Ennis. Still, all this time, Jack isn't enough? Ennis doesn't think Jack can protect him from what he's afraid of? He's hot about it. Literally, he rips his jacket off and starts unbuttoning his shirt.

(E) _"Jack don't take off yer... yer gonna'... yer gonna' freeze. JACK."_

(J) _"I AIN'T... no lil' bitch... Ennis. Del. Mar."_

Jack says under his breath and through tears, but Ennis is right, and he knows it.

It makes him angrier.

He stands back up, starts walking towards Ennis in defeat.

(E) _"Darlin'... why we gotta' go n' do this shit?"_

Ennis pleaded.

Ennis stands up, and Jack wraps his arms around his neck.

Ennis lifts him so that he can wrap his legs around his waist.

Ennis encourages this form of embrace for reasons not very clear to him, but he feels strong in it; he knows that much. Physically and mentally. Holding Jack up, who isn't such a small guy in the first place, reflects how they work. In good and in bad. No matter what happens with them. Ennis is the one that holds all of it. Jack just has to be held through it no matter how much he thrashes about.

It’s not a power thing, and it's never something that they would think represents their "real" personas, which is part of their problem. They both think that them out there, separated, is the real world and that them out here, together, is the dream world.

Still, this deep embrace is where they find themselves being the ablest to comfort the other. Ennis benefits from it just as much as Jack. Ennis likes holding Jack. Simple as that. 

The music gets to Ennis' ears again muffled and distant. He remembers what the big reason was for this meet-up, what they have to celebrate weeks, months, after the fact because of their... "farce."

They hadn't gotten used to it. Post and secret phone calls are nothing compared to celebrating with each other in person. 

It was the reason the fight started in the first place.

(E) _"Happy Birthday, Lil' Darlin'."_

Ennis whispers into Jack's ear.

(J) _"Happy B…Birthday En."_

Jack quietly sobs into Ennis'.

Music plays out in the background as they find their somber embrace turned into a passionate initiation of what they do best. They're inebriated beyond what's socially acceptable, and this is when they enjoy sex with each other the most. Ennis lets himself emote what he likes that Jack does, verbally and physically, at a much more savage level. Jack feeds off of it. They do this until they can't do it anymore, and then they make sure that they do it some more, spending the rest of their trip apologizing to each other in every way they can. 

Even going so far as to apologize for when they eventually do it again.


	10. CONVERSATION

# 10\. CONVERSATION

Ennis knew where he was going. Like a taste on his tongue or a scent in his nose, he had a simple sense when it came to the sites he and Jack traveled through.

Hill after hill after hill, he forgot how much he lied to Jack about getting up here. Ennis finally got the karma in his knees and back. Putting all of his gear on and hiking up here so late in the day by himself wasn't the best idea he's ever had.

Self-inflicted karma... but what's new.

From where he was to where he was now wasn't anything to scoff at. He'd been moving for 3 1/2 hours. There was no sun to show him. Thick overcast was still blotting out any sunlight. Cigar Butt would have come in handy.

He and Jack never came back up here. They’d catch sight of it ways away, and they’d remember the moon and the clouds. A lot of the time, they never really thought of the past. Especially Ennis.

Through the forest and wading through creeks and tall brush, he walks over the crest of the hill and comes to a familiar place. The log was there, more or less. Half its size. Seat for one.

Fitting.

There’s no reason he should be up here. He’s too old. He didn’t tell anybody his plans, but here he was, neatly and ceremoniously setting up his camp. Like he had this on his mind for a very long time, he had a layout. Ennis did want to come back... even after Jack was gone... but there was no way he would have let himself fall into this willingly.

So, his tent stayed in the truck bed—a keepsake from Jack.

Most of what he had was what he's always had, but a lot of it was second-hand. Jack wanted to give him whatever he wanted. He'd tell him;

(J) _"Ennis, there's no reason you gotta' come up here with this.... lackluster gear. It works right; it does, but you could have better. If you wanted to come up here by your lonesome, I wouldn't want you sleepin' in this. You won't take nothin' from me... I got it... but if I have a gift for you. You damn well better receive it. You remember how much you liked other gifts I've given you?"_

Ennis set up his tent a couple of feet from the stump. Entrance facing out to the ravine. He set up a separate cover over the opening to sit outside the tent and look out without getting rained on. It was all very clean and precise. He took care to snap every button and seal any Velcro. Rope was tied off at any loose ends. Stakes were hammered into the ground evenly. His bedding he did with what he could. If the weather was the same, then he’d most likely be sleeping under all of it; it would be a relief from the morbid heat on the plains.

He unpacked his gear and the items he haphazardly threw in the bag. Electric lantern & flashlight, socks, shirts, & boxers, food, water... whisky. 

He took a double shot. The warmth filling his throat and flowing into his gut. It was refreshing and gave him a needed boost after hiking for so long.

He was still tired.

He finished everything he wanted to set up, no unused items, everything had its place and meaning. 

The last thing was Jack.

Ennis pulled the box out of the bag and gently placed the Urn onto the stump. He made sure the latch was tight, that the the electrical tape was holding, brushed its surface clean, and after a moment, mist started pooling upon its surface. He grabbed his chair, lit a smoke bottle in hand…

He was with Jack again.

(E) “ _… Jack …”_

Thunder rolled over him—muted cracks of lighting from far away.

(E) _"I've been… uh… not doin' too well. I reckon you can see as much."_

He got up to grab his old lantern and set it up on an extendable pole. A barely-there orange glow covering his small campsite. He grabs a couple of chemlights to crack and spread around the ground for better vision of the ground.

(E) _"… you see me tired. Uuuuhhh… you…"_

A lump in his throat and the air stolen from his nose.

(E) _"a lot of things… I can' still understand. Hard like… it makes me angry how I can' get it still. So, I end up just… not feelin' anythin'."_

He holds his hands in his lap and fiddles around with them.

(E) _"I get… real sad, Jack. Like heavy on my body. On my head. In my head… I get to cryin' a lot n' don't want to be bothered with much… The daytime makes me hurt… so… I picked up a job that keeps me up at night, so I can just ferget there's even day."_

Ennis feels himself rambling… but he thinks Jack would have been interested, nonetheless.

(E) _"you seen where we're at, huh? Where I take you back to?"_

A wavering in his voice.

(E) _"yeah… I took us here. We… liked it here? I always think of when we fell asleep. You gave me your lap? N' I uuuhhh… n' you rubbed my throat. Real gentle like… made me fall right asleep."_

He closes his eyes and opens them to diamonds rolling down his weathered cheeks. 

(E) _"I uuhhh… try not to ferget how it feels to be… touched… like that? You know? Like somebody cared a lot about you… But it's hard. It's hard to not ferget. You know? It’s been a long time… a r… real long time Jack… n' I just ferget things real easy nowadays… don’t ferget that it hurts…”_

Ennis stands up and doesn't move.

(E) _"Sometimes… find myself thinkin' that I 'don't wanna' do this no more Jack._

He’s never said it out loud before.

(E) _It's nothin' like… I've ever had to feel n' it's always this feelin'. Always. It's like even when… you was still here, right? It hurt. To be away… but it's somethin' worse now. Now there's no hope n' happiness in knowin' i'ma be… i'ma get uuuhhh… be gettin' back to you."_

He can't put his words together. He takes a breath.

(E) _"…it's a pain listenin' to me, I know… I really don’t talk much anymore. So, I know I sound like a dummy… but I'm grateful that… you are… yer tryin'…”_

Ennis squints and reaches into his breast pocket, pulling out the handkerchief and photograph.

(E) " _you know what… d…dar…”_

He chokes on his words.

(E) _"…you know what darlin'… you n' yer mama really got me. She uh… she's a kind lady n' she treated me kindly as such. I'm not sure what she knew… but it seemed like she knew me. I'm sure she was pure sad you was gone. I'd've tried to hug her, but I knew better… but she sent you to me. To do what you'd have liked done. Never felt nothin' like this. I’m sure my mama would have done the… same fer you. If it would have been me that…”_

He unfolds the handkerchief. 

(E) _"n' then you got me with this one… I uuuhhh… just wasn' ready to see it? If it make sense? N' then I see you put you n' me… our initials… on it. In this real pretty way. I don't know if you did it or had it done… but it's real good, however way. I'll go with thinkin' you did it yourself. Probably practiced n' then you just knew how to do it."_

He rubs the lettering between his fingers. 

(E) _"I uh… wish… you would've shown… me it? I wish you would've shown it to me. Maybe… I could've got it… done too? On a shirt? Somewhere where I was the only one that knew about it? … like always on me for when we weren't here. Together? On my collar? Inside? Just like you was… uh… kissin' my neck like you'd do."_

His lips tremble.

(E) _"I can do it when I come off the mountain. Right? That'll be the plan? Take some of my shirts to a seamstress n' ask her to do it real nice for us. You know my hands aren't made for nothin' but workin'. Soft process, I reckon.”_

Ennis takes a big swig of whisky.

(E) _"…and this? Your photograph. It says Jack Twi…”_

Another choke.

(E) _"Jack Twist 19 1963. Lightnin’ Flat… Yer inna' white shirt, so I'm sure it was warm when you take this n' not long before you got yer job herdin’ sheep… with me… Right proper handsome…yer smile…”_

He had to figure out what he was saying.

(E) _"…so it's nice that I have these to remember you by. Oh… uhh… I… when I went to Lightnin' Flat … to see yer mama… I found—my shirt. I thought I had lost it? You know?"_

Diamonds continue to fall down his cheek. 

(E) _"n' it was inside yer coat—blood n' all. I was real surprised by it. I reckon it was all by chance. The right chance. I hope you aren't mad I took'um. I… just took'um. Yer mama said it was OK… She was nice enough to wrap'um up fer me n’ not say much."_

It's becoming to be too much.

(E) _"so, I'm supposed to bring you here... n' I'm supposed to spread you across… Brokeback."_

He's talking through tears. 

(E) _"n' I'm… scared…”_

He takes another swig.

(E) _"because there's nothin' else after this? This is it? There won't be no more packages. Or handkerchiefs. Or shirts. Or pictures of yer fa... yer uuuhh faceyer face."_

He pushes.

(E) _"I let you go up here n' just feel like… I'm lettin' you go again. Right? I'mmm… "_

Blank stare.

(E) _"I uh... Pour you out n' it's just you'll be bucking in the wind ferever n' out of my hands… I'm wonderin' if you'd be mad if I didn'? Let you go again…”_

Another swig.

(E) _"or maybe… jus' not yet? I came here right quick, Jack. It was all a shock. n' I just did what my brain tell me ta' do. Kinda' like you was yellin' at me."_

A soft, almost unnoticeable smile.

(E) " _We'd be livin' together… I would treat you… real good… at uh…”_

He just realized what he was saying… after he already started saying it.

(E) _" at home.........."_

A break.

(E) _“…God… Jack, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…”_

He knew he had it in him, and he was too incredibly stubborn just to experience it. It wasn't a get-it-done and over-with deal. It would have only been outside of him instead of inside of him for so long, but he lived for so long keeping it bottled up and behind locked door after locked door. it burnt through him and flowed out like lava. He sat back and let his tears run down the side of his face mixing with the tiny rain droplets bouncing off of his skin. He sat that way for a long while. Sobbing in the wilderness. He'd let it go on as long as he needed it to. Loud and quiet. Frantic and controlled. If there was a break in it, he allowed the break to end and then do it some more.

(E) _"I think it would be nice to be at home a little while longer? I'd clean up more n' put some more furniture in'it fer you to choose where you'd like to be n' all. I keep it neat for the most part. Maybe repair some stuff fer you. I think it'd be right nice."_

His deep brown eyes were bloodshot and not done exuding every tear he never let fall over the past four years.

(E) _“Fuck me, Jack… there was never a moment where I didn't hate myself fer not givin' you the real thing you wanted. I hope you known that. I… wanted you to have the world n' I know it don' really matter much to you at all now… but I hope you known it. Because if you didn’t know that I had the want to give you everything you deserved, I don’t know how… I’d really be able to walk down this mountain… Jack. It rips me to shreds.”_

He has no will to get out of this self-hatred.

(E) “ _…I didn't deserve you, Jack. I known it then n’ I known it when we argued, I known it when you cried, I known it when we was havin'…”_

How open did he want to be?

How outside of his person was he going to allow?

Jack would have wanted it all.

(E) _"…when we was makin' love, Jack. That I didn't deserve… to touch you n' taste you. To have you on my lips. I didn't deserve the pleasure of pleasurin' you."_

A new level of emotion unlocked. The intimacy he shared with Jack.

(E) _"Jesus, you made me feel like I was real n' I hate it for bein' all dramatics n' what not, but I walked through my days not feelin' it before you. When I was with you n' in you… I never felt… full. A weight. Like this mountain. I was here on Earth. Sex was…”_

Ennis puts himself through every significant moment they'd experienced together.

(E) _"…you were warm, Jack. Always. In every way n' you wasn't ever not ready. Just as much as I wanted you… you wanted me more. The energy was a lot. We made love… a lot, but… you know we did a lot a fuckin' too."_

Ennis laughed.

(E) _"…we fucked up n' down this mountain boy… n' you never missed a beat of it. God, Jack, you was special. I love… I loved it. I loved every second of it. Inside of you… you let me do it every time n' you never let me waste a drop."_

He's still stating the obvious.

(E) _"never had nobody do the things you did in the way that you did'um. Like the 1st time in the motel? It's still lost on me how well you were able to do it. I believe you when you said you never did before, but some part had to’uve known. You did it real caring like."_

He smiles.

(E) _"…you was right soft to me. Always did good by me. You was a good man Jack....... n' I known you cared a lot 'bout me. I know you..."_

Admittance. 

(E) _“…you loved me. You tried to tell me n' I was a dick fer not uuuhhh… lettin' you… say it… but I known it. N'… I hope you… you known… that I uuuhhh… Goddamn… you known I love… loved… I love you… too."_

His diamond tears turned to whisky ones. 

He never gave Jack "I love you"… Jack deserved "I love you." 

Every second of every day, he deserved it. They should have come out of Ennis’s mouth like any breath he released. Jack should have been able to warm himself with “I love you" on the coldest night and cool himself on the hottest day.

Ennis should have given that to him.

(E) _"I love you, Jack… yeah… a whole lot I do."_  
  
  
  
  
  


.........  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_(E) "You was… a good love a' mine Jack… a real fuckin' good love a' mine."_   
  
  
  
  
  


.........


	11. JERK

# 11\. JERK

Ennis sat until the bottle was empty. Fell asleep in tears and woke up on & off through the rest of the day and into the evening. The rain pushed in a mellow coolness through the ravine as the light from behind the clouds dimmed.

Before the chill got to be too much for him to handle, a little way down from camp was a shallow creek where he would tie up Cigar Butt when he and Jack had their meetups through the week.

He needed the water's blessing.

He stripped and hung his clothes onto a low rung tree branch, wadded into the knee-deep crystal-clear water, and slowly lowered himself. It was brisk, but his temperature of choice, especially in moments like this.

He sat, in the quiet, a blank stare, unable to focus on any one thing.

The sadness ran through him more profound than he understood. Yes, it had been years since Jack’s passing, and he still couldn’t rationalize the emotion. He knew he wasn’t processing the sadness to grow from it. He knew it was affecting his way of life… he just had no idea how much it had changed him, and he didn’t keep up with the change.

A shiver, he opened his eyes to twilight.

He dipped his head underneath the surface of the water and stood up erect, exposing his dripping body to the cold.

Self-awareness came back to him.

His skin had tightened on his bones and became subtly translucent, a visible highway of deep purple veins constructed across his chest, tufts of hair that sat on his pecs and lower torso were less intact, his thighs once thick with power just because were now trim for specific purpose, musculature was more defined as he lacked the healthy fat his 19-year-old self-had… he put hands across himself. He remembered a little of what he used to be.

The charged calmness in his surroundings reignited a passion he no longer embraced.

Thunder rumbles in the distance.

His hands covered every space he had failed to give attention to over these somber years. There was a warmth to his touch, and he could feel the hunger for it.

Ennis found a boulder to lay back on… his right hand continued to touch his body while he used his left to fondle himself.

He just wanted a moment—a moment where it was nothing but him to worry about.

Gently working himself into the mood, building his length and girth.

He spat in his hand and made himself slick with it. 

Ennis took great care of himself in these moments. He hadn't cared in a long time, and the sensation was numbing. He felt outside of his body. 

His strokes were delicate and with clear intent.

**~**

His mouth on his mind, the smell of his hair, how he would moan, how they'd go on for so long, and he would still want more, how he'd look back begging for it to be harder.

**~**

It was an intense rush of memories and imagination.

His strokes had quickened.

Sweating like always, he got himself to the point. It was so built up it didn't happen visually, but the sensation was indeed happening. His muscles tightened as he grunted into the air. He came like a jet. It had no resistance once it started. It shot up, all of it, and dropped onto his chest, his face, his hair.

His tongue slipped out across his bottom lip, and he tasted himself; his fingers flirted with warm pearls that traveled over his nipples and down his chest, mixing with his body hair; his energy was sapped.

Out of breath. Exhausted.

He waded through the creek to rinse, clean his mess, and walk back to camp naked.

Regret.

There was no room for this. There was no allowance for him to embrace himself.

Dread.

He doesn’t understand how he still has tears to cry.

It’s never going to go away. It’s never going to leave him.

The melancholia is going to destroy him…

A moon powerful in blue rises over his crown.

A path lit to walk beyond this realm.

Beyond this hurt.

He flirted with the thought.


	12. 75

# 12\. “75”

> _Reckon I can fit all the fun of my life into one of those beautiful hands of yours._
> 
> _Reckon I can fit all the joy into one of those... well... shit... it keeps surprising me and in that cosmic way too and were both kind of fucked ain't we... size of yours stretching out runnin' onto the horizon._
> 
> _Reckon I can fit all the wolf morning coffees into the span of one of your naked shoulders. Rounding down from my cheek to your sheets, but I might need the space of your hair sprayed across your face and pillow, too 'cuz all the wolf morning coffees are pretty good and hefty._
> 
> _Think if I managed it right geometrically, I could push all the high elevation, low oxygen, pine-scented, mineral soil and that one above the tree line snowball fight in July I had as a kid and all the ranges and vistas and all the nighttime coyotes, even the one strange lopping scavenger who came in the middle of the bright day to sniff around me doin' his 'yote spirit of the land thing. So goddamn mysterious and too close for a wild animal in one of those weird magic moments._
> 
> _I mean... it might seem like a tall order, but I think if I just did a good job of Tetris on it, I could put all of the woods into the gentle crescent crook of your mouth, tugging back, trying not to smile but only if you let me use the sky of your gaze to 'cuz all the woods need a little extra space you know ...some breathing room._
> 
> _Oh, regarding the sky gaze, I will require both the sunny and dark versions._
> 
> _Imagine I could put the moon, stars, and country and the dreams I had from I think 5 years old... oh... until uh... 2 decades or so later into your lips and still have space to fit a handful of road trips I've been on that meant something or other to me._
> 
> _Not sure there's anything I can fit you in, though. It's just too big, too much mass. The shape is difficult to lift alone even if the weight was manageable; all the irregular edges make you demand your own space, some kind of converted hanger gallery, or... or...maybe an outdoor sculpture garden. They have to shut down streets and hire trucks and official escorts just to get you to the venue._
> 
> _It's majestic and beautiful and perfect, and it's quite a... Well... Let's not overdo it, but quite the wonder._   
>    
>    
>    
>    
>    
>    
>    
>    
> 
> 
> _Probably go mad as hell for it._   
>    
> 

\- **Jarrett Sleeper**

([INSTAGRAM](https://www.instagram.com/jarrett_sleeper/)) @jarrett_sleeper  
([TWITTER](https://twitter.com/jarrettsleeper)) @jarrettsleeper  
([YOUTUBE](https://www.youtube.com/user/jsleeper)) jarrett sleeper  
([WEBSITE](https://www.jarrettsleeper.com)) jarrettsleeper.com


	13. DIMINUENDO

# 13\. DIMINUENDO

di·min·u·en·do /dəˌmin(y)əˈwendō/ (music) decrease in loudness.

**[SUMMER 1983– BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN – EARLY-EVENING]**

(E) _"… We gotten old."_

Jack glares at Ennis but softens his brows.

(J) _"I'd say speak fer yerself, but I'd be lyin'... We are. You know… I bent over to get up from the toilet the other day n’ had to sit back down for a good 5 minutes until my back stopped spazin’ up. Thought I was gonna’ have to scream fer the P.D. to come pick my ass up off the shitter.”_

Ennis lightly chuckles.

(J) _“Age or not… yer still a stunner of a man…"_

(E) _“…ain' ever heard I was a stunner. Don' know how I feel 'bout it."_

(J) _"You should feel like you know I still enjoy spendin’ time just lookin' at yer face."_

Ennis would deny it till the day he died, but… he does blush… Jack is quick to drag it out of him. 

He and Jack had just fallen into each other's presence after the last 2 months apart. The distance has become farther apart, but it was sweet how awkward they still got around each other and how every compliment or show of affection made them deeply happy to be with one another. 

(J) _"You know I remember seen you outside that trailer and thinkin’... like you barely even knew how to talk. Yer face was still, but you'd go around n' squint for whatever reason n' I kinda’ couldn't stand not lookin' at ya.’"_

(E) "A squint got you..."

Ennis smirked.

(J) _“… you still don't understand how much of a treasure you are? … shit … I guess if you did, you'd be out there married again. Wouldn' be here with… me."_

Ennis is a bit blindsided by the comment.

(E) _"…what you mean by that?"_

Jack trod lightly.

(J) _"I mean… If you knew the treasure you were, I figure if… you couldn' give ME… you… then you'd have the confidence to give you to a lucky gal out there.”_

(E) _"Jack … treasure? The only treasure I got is… there ain' nobody out there for me… you…”_

(J) _"shut it, Ennis… I'm not in the mood… can' do it."_

Ennis cut his mouth and looked out onto the lake. He didn't want to fall into a hole that Jack warned him about, so he listens.

(J) _"God… yer right cute… look at me boy."_

Jack shakes his head and gets lost in his heart’s eyes. He gets up from tending the fire, walks to Ennis's chair, and squats at his side.

Closer to him, Ennis's eyes ablaze with a gentle sadness. Jack could beg him to tell him what he felt until he was close to death, and Ennis would still keep his mouth shut.

(J) _"…you don't deserve to be lonely, Ennis... You don't. You deserve to go home to warmth. To a made-up bed. To a smell of a ready dinner, fire, n' tobacco. You deserve everythin’ you don't think you deserve… I don't want you to be alone, En…”_

(E) _"Jack?"_

Jack knew what he'd been doing while he was away from Ennis. He knew he made a connection with somebody else. Nothing close to what they have. Never, ever anything like what Him and Ennis have… but a connection, nonetheless. He obviously couldn't tell him the real goings-on, so it was just a fling with some girl from some city close to him.

(J) _"I'm just sayin'… it hurts me to think about what you could be thinkin'. You told me 'bout you n' Alma at Thanksgiving. I feel mighty bad about her knowin'. I mean… I figure that's still rough to say. Wasn't feelin' bad while we did this n' she didn' know, but now that she known all along n' I'm feelin' bad… That's a big discussion, I guess, but past that… I just think that you wouldn' have been there if you had somebody to better spend yer time with is all."_

An offense.

(E) _"Jack… I'm… doin' what I need to do. Right? If I wanted to give me to somebody, I could do it."_

(J) "but… Could you Ennis?"

(E) "......."

Tension was building up, but it wasn't a fight. It was just care and loneliness. They both knew what they were talking about was real.

Ennis cradled Jack's stubble-covered face. Tracing the shape of his lips with his thumb.

(E) _"I feel like when I go on home… I get ta’ where I am n' I'm fine. I get to kiss you n' hug you n' I come home rememberin' that. I don't feel so lonely knowin' yer only a couple hours away.... but I still say it... I’m sure you thinkin’ I’m full of shit after all these years… I'm not happy about our setup n' I'm..."_

Ennis doesn't want to do this either. Their emotions always realize that this shouldn't be the extent of their relationship, especially after 20 years. It's a heartbreak to see each other after however long, and it's a heartbreak to leave each other for however long. 

(J) _"what?"_

(E) _“…you got right pretty eyes Lil’ Darlin'…”_

Ennis fed the sadness in his eyes. Trying to smile as much as he could through it. He knew he'd have to tell Jack about there being a long distance between them seeing each other again. Not until November, most likely. Jack wasn't going to be happy.

Ennis was terrified to bring it up.

(J) _“You love callin’ me that, huh?”_

Jack stands up, his knees pop and crackle. He looks at Ennis, serious.

(J) "Hey…I just needed to stretch my legs out. Ain't... nothin'... old bout it."

(E) _“I wasn’ sayin’ a thing, Mr. Twist, Sir.”_

Jack leans into Ennis, and they kiss with purpose. Slow and drawn out. Their kisses have become perfect after so many years—the right amount of hidden sensuality & rugged passion. As much as they hate the distance between them, it's erased when they get back together. Every kiss, every nuzzle, every pet, every cuddle, every hug, every touch… re-starts the clock. There's power in this ability, and Jack has come to certain terms with himself. He’s tried his hardest; his heart knows he’s tried. What happens from here on out is up to Ennis.

They can sense friction in their words before they get too heated, so arguing isn't a thing they do much anymore. They talk about adult things. Life, guns, daily happenings... 

Jack liked watching Ennis jabber on about the things he cared for most. He sees summer in his smile a lot of the times when he did. It was a warmth that he missed. Nothing he has now made him feel warm. It's just an itch that gets scratched. Ennis is such a complex person who hides behind a simplicity that confuses Jack. Frustrating. He knows better than to bring up other men. It's a knowing subject that Jack stays far from… but still pokes the bear, and he asks Ennis about it thinking he’ll give in once. Some dark-haired grocery store clerk in the deli he likes to say hi to or a guy on the ranch he catches glances of thorough the day.

(J) “…so… sayin' all that. You still don't have any new interests?"

Ennis laughs at Jack's persistence.

(E) "…there's a girl… waitress… she good company."

An itch, Jack didn't expect.

(J) "oh…, what's her name?"

(E) "Cassie."

Jack had a coldness in his head. A sharp freeze of jealousy. He didn't make an effort to show it. He never thought Ennis would actually open himself to new relationships. Jack felt bad, but it's what he felt.

He chuckles to hide the ironic nature of his annoyance.

(J) "Cassie… wow. Well, good… that's great. Right?"

(E) "It's what it is. I'm not makin' no promises to the girl. I'm just… tryin'… is that bad?"

Ennis looks to Jack, almost wanting him to talk him out of it… But Jack just walks back to his chair.

This is what they got. This is what a lack of transparency will get you.

(J) "Ennis, why would it be bad? I just got done tellin' you that this is what you should have? Yeah. It's good… it’s real good.”

There’s a lull in their conversation.

(J) _"Truth is… Sometimes… I miss you so much I can hardly stand it."_

With Ennis being truthful about his relationship outside of him & Jack and Jack being the opposite, it's a stick of TNT on the fire, and it just explodes. Their inner turmoil turns into a violent session of sex. Jealousy & the ever-present frustration made them fight for dominance in every position.

If Jack was riding Ennis, it was his goal to get Ennis to beg for him to slow down… Ennis could go as long as Jack wanted him to go, and as Ennis sensed what Jack was up to, he'd take his opportunity to make quick work of Jack on all fours. Ask him all sorts of demeaning questions in the hopes that Jack would refuse an answer… Jack never refused.

Sex like this was somewhat rare between them, but it's male aggression & competition in them that's bound to show up. Neither wins, but they each get to beat the other one up a little bit. They exhaust each other, and it's right back into the warmth of affection and desperation.

It's a somber countdown of days, hours, & minutes and then their trip is complete; they part ways. There's always a cruelness to it, regardless of if they have the intention. 

This is the one “goodbye” that they couldn’t come back from. 

Ennis saved his news about November until the end, not wanting it to ruin anything, and Jack takes it just as well as he thought he would be, being the more sensitive one between the two. They argue. Jack is heartbroken and says things that are more on his heart than his mind. Years of unresolved frustration. He hasn't forgotten his unsuccessful attempts at Ennis's hands to make more happen between them. Ennis is heartbroken about where he is with his life how Jack may have influenced it for the worse but deeply hurt and offended about what Jack could be doing when he's away from him. 

(J) _"I wish I knew how to quit you..."_

Jack is tired. 

Ennis is tired.

They leave each other in dust and memories.

The moment Jack had Ennis & Ennis had Jack in the dark and cold of Brokeback was the moment they cursed each other. There was a struggle in them they could never defeat. They borrowed so much time, and it's as if the mountain wanted it all back.

Unfortunately, a lot of what Ennis was always afraid of reaped for the mountain.

In Ennis’s morbid daydreams, he imagines Death wasn’t the infinite entity taking its tally with Jack.

It was Time…

Time stood across the road, watching them meet each other.

Time stood outside of their tent the night Jack gave himself to Ennis.

Time stood and watched Jack pass by on his way to Mexico after Ennis had refused him in the most brutal way so far.

Time stood by Ennis as he gave call to Laureen.

Time was what reaped for Brokeback and when they had nothing else to give… Ennis suffered.

He was so afraid of knowing it would happen that he never figured how he would handle it when it did.

Jack would have protected him… but he didn’t protect Jack.

The bottom of the ravine seemed so comfortable to him.


	14. REALITY

# 14\. REALITY

♪♫

[ Melancholia: End of the World ](https://youtu.be/OtJ-G8bfMLI)

[ (from "Tristan und Isolde: Prelude") ](https://youtu.be/OtJ-G8bfMLI)

♫♪  
  


Ennis returned to his camp in a blind daze.

A creeping hurt found its way wrapped around his joints.

None of this was destined to work the way he would have liked for it too. He came here wanting to rebuild a demolished psyche from ashes with no blueprint, or study, no ability.

He couldn’t begin to understand what tools he needed even to begin the process, but he came and did what?

Lied to himself… and Jack.

As he put eyes on his camp, his sight went directly to Jack's Urn. A subtle glow hitting it from the blue of the moon. He looked past it and out into the illuminated ravine. The full moon, a spotlight, as large and as close as if it were a giant tapping his nose. Standing in its light, his naked skin was weak. The moonlight broke him apart and the wind sliced through him.

He, ignoring his deep shiver, re-established he was here because Jack was gone. 

With his tired body, he hiked for hours to this point; he set up this camp with care, he… jacked off in memory of their passion… all of it done trying to use a hope that he had no control over. No more nightmares. No more loneliness. No more longing for the end is what he thought was coming from this.

“I love you, Jack”? After he’s already gone?!

The sadness he felt day in and out wouldn't go away because he "worked hard" at keeping it at bay. It would always be on his back... drilling into him at any moment it felt that it wanted to.

In the middle of a delivery, him pumping gas, him with the girls, in the middle of a doctor’s appointment…

He was as dumb as he looked. He always was.

Jack knew it… he just didn’t want to hurt him.  
  


Ennis started to become micro attentive to his presence in his occupied environment. He felt the goosebumps forming across his bare skin, the sound of his chattering teeth, the scent of glowing embers in his nose, the softness of the ground beneath his feet...

It was too much.

Ennis looked around him and felt nauseous. He started dry heaving & coughing, dropping to his hands & knees. The fact that he was naked hit him with sharp shivers. His chest and throat burned from the stress his body was putting on itself to get out whatever the fuck it was trying to get out. He felt like he had an ocean to throw up but kept choking on the never-ending coughs. 

His heartbeat was violent. 

Was he having a heart attack?

This man…

Jack Twist.

This was a man that held his heart. A man he knew of deeply, inside and out, for 20 years. He cared for him. He wanted to be with him... always. 

How was it that there were still questions in him? 

His cheek rested in the wet grass, and he regulated. His heartbeat still quick in his neck, but his breathing slowed down, and he could grasp his presence in these 3 dimensions.

But he thought, maybe he didn’t’ want to maintain it.

He couldn't bear it. He didn't want to bear it.

He wobbled to his feet… and slowly shifted towards the drop-off.

The breeze was constant and audible at this distance—his toes flirting with the open air at its edge.

He could end it. End it right here. 

His hands held far out away from him, touching the force of nature that would try to hold him up as he drifted away but ultimately fail.

He could just walk toward the moon... on the beam, it shot down on him, and he'd just keep walking until he was gone. Who'd be sad for him? Maybe he'd open up a spot in the world for somebody that had more heart to experience love in its most genuine state and not to ignore it. 

God knows that it would only take a few moments, and the ravine looked so comfortable and was always so beautiful.

The thoughts made the tears fall with no hesitation, and he became even colder.

Jack sat on the dead stump. Silently watching him.

Ennis knew he wouldn’t see Jack. He knew he would be doing it for his selfish needs.

As always.

He stepped forward just to see what it would feel like to make the decision, to test it out, but his footing is lost… maybe… he just lets himself fall.

He didn’t have to make a choice. The choice was made for him.

He disappeared from the view of the Urn, mist droplets built up on its surface sliding down the platinum engraving of the ravine.


	15. EPILOGE | MELANCHOLIA

# Epilogue - MELANCHOLIA

**[FALL 1988 – RIVERTON, WYOMING – LATE AFTERNOON]**

(NURSE) _“Del Mar! Ennis!”_

(E) _“Ma’am.”_

The waiting room, startled, turned to look at Ennis as he limps from his seat to the receptionist desk.

(NURSE) _“Hi, so we’ve got you all set up, alright? We’re gonna bring you back and go over your questionnaire with you. Iron out any details and if need be, let you elaborate on any of your responses”._

(E) _“Yes, Ma’am.”_

(NURSE) _“Great, would you like a water?”_

(E) _“I’m just uuuhhh…. Get real nervous. mmm right, sorry… Water would be nice.”_

(NURSE) _“oh no, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot, hun. The water is something we offer our patients from the get-go. Stay hydrated and what not… but no worries. You can come through this side door; I’ll take you back to the counselor’s office and bring you your water. Sounds like a plan. Any questions?”_

(E) _“….. No, Ma’am. Thank you kindly.”_

(NURSE) _“of course… you can follow me, Mr. Del Mar.”_

Ennis felt like he was years in the future. This building was like nothing he’d ever seen before. Various woods complimented the next as it was used to form the facility's aesthetic. The paint was new and bright, the furniture matched, the smell was fresh, the staff were cheerful and didn’t seem jaded or distracted. It was all very welcoming, and went to show himself that he didn’t get out much.

(NURSE) _“Alright, Mr. Del Mar, here you go. Mr. James stepped out for a quick minute, He should be back shortly, and I’ll bring your water.”_

(E) _“I very much appreciate it, Ma’am.”_

The nurse walked away and left Ennis in a cloud of flowery perfume. Her platinum blonde hair and red lip reminded him of any number of pinup girls he’d seen growing up. She was kind… and made this process all that much easier for him.

Ennis settles in his chair, scanning the room. Not much around except for a couple of diplomas on the walls, neatly tended plants on shelves, radio playing the sounds of a creek, not at all the jumble of papers and empty coke cans he’d seen at private doctor’s offices.

The door opens.

(J) _“Ah, Mr. Del Mar, sorry to uh… keep you waiting. Thanks for your patience. It has… been a busy day, to say the least; that’s the 1 st of 3 times I’ve been able to step outside and take a moment… but I am good to go._

(E) _“it’s no issue, I…”_

He had to be in his early 30’s, 5’6 teetering back to 5’5, 150-ish lbs., curly jet-black hair, his skin a gentle pale tan probably hiding a caramel sun-kissed tone underneath, his eyes were big and bright, a deep earthy brown in color, clear-skinned and very clean-cut, his smile made Ennis look away from him.

Ennis was taken off guard.

(E) _“…Uh I… I’m new to this, so I’m just takin’ it in as it comes... You look …”_

His last words, a whisper that even he could barely hear, escape his mouth. He knows better… but is painfully reminded.

(E) “ _… you …”_

He doesn’t think he’s supposed to say anything…

(J) _“Well then… before we start… I’d like to thank you for participating in the Riverton VA Medical Center’s “Veterans for the Community” program. The local Veteran population concluded through various town halls and discussions with senior leadership in the VA to share services provided to anybody that requests them. Mental Health Services are among those specialties that most people don’t find themselves paying much attention to when they have to utilize their own money. It also has a very intense stigma. The program is still young, but for civilians such as yourself to take advantage early on… We can gauge our immediate communities' need for medical care and how private providers are balancing it… Now, most of my treatment with Veterans is specific to PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Mental Health isn’t exact… but it has common factors that make observation and establishment flow pretty easy. I’m going to speak with you, not from the understanding that you have or may have PTSD; I don’t want to box you in… but I wanted to tell you that my brain organizes from that place of knowledge first and moves outwards from there…a mouthful, does that make sense?”_

Ennis smirks and nods his head. He pulls his hat down and places it on his lap.

(J) _“Genuinely, Mr. Del Ma…”_

(E) _“Ennis… please.”_

(J) _“Genuinely… Ennis… it’s an honor to speak with you… after reviewing your questionnaire, something I focused on was a free-hand comment you wrote down… “I have problems talking about this kind of stuff” …”_

James looks to Ennis.

(J) _“I feel like it took a lot for you even to write this much information about yourself down… I want to give you, from here on out, the control YOU own to talk and put out what you’d like to…”_

Ennis looks at James. His heart picks up.

(E) _“I… um…”_

A knock at the door.

(NURSE) _“Mr. James, my apologies, I brought Mr. Del Mar his water.”_

The nurse places the water bottle on the desk in front of Ennis and steps out of the room.

(E) _“Thank you… Ma’am”_

Ennis is quick to open the bottle and start to drink.

James maintains his vision.

(J) _“Ennis… would you like for me to kind of… interview you?”_

One more gulp, and he’d taken over half of the bottle down.

(E) _“I think it’d be… a good help.”_

(J) _“OK… Ennis… what’s your favorite season?”_

The uncomfortableness in all of this is overwhelming him. He’s always reminded of how much he’s failed to grow from over the years. It’s almost physical how hard it is for him to speak… but this guy doesn’t have an urgency to him. Ennis figured he’s trained to be this way… It doesn’t seem less genuine, though.

(E) _“Uuuuhhh… Summer… in the…in the mountains.”_

(J) _“it’s pretty cold up there in the Summer… Why not just the Winter?”_

(E) _“... it’s still green. I like the chill… and the green together.”_

(J) _“I can understand that… what makes you feel so good about it that allows you to call it your favorite?”_

Ennis taps his boots together and thinks about the truth and if he wants to say it.

(E) _“I um… knew somebody.”_

A gloss in his eyes.

(J) _“Mm… is that… somebody… a big part on why you pursued coming in?”_

(E) _“… do a lot of people say yes?”_

James smiles.

(J) _“…do you say yes?”_

(E) _“yes.”_

(J) _“do you want to approach that somebody more head-on?”_

Ennis looks past James… counting the number of plants on the shelves.

(E) _“... yes ...”_

(J) _“what’s been, you’re most recent influence from that somebody?”_

(E) _“it’s… a lot… It’s a whole lot of a lot. I um… do you… do you know Brokeback Mountain?”_

Ennis takes 30 minutes and turns it into 20 years.

James is overwhelmed with the story that was weaved in front of him.

Ennis almost was out of body and mind the way he expressed every moment of their history. He said things out loud that he’s never told, anybody. He couldn’t stop… he just had to keep going until it was out of him.

By the end, Ennis was red-faced. He refused to let a teardrop in this office. He almost lost it when James pushed a box of tissues toward him.

(J) _“Ennis… I um… am… I’m speechless.”_

(E) _“…sorry…”_

James smiles.

(J) _“I’m going to tell you… You don’t have to apologize. You don’t… you don’t have to apologize to me. It’s hard, I know, but understand that you, speaking with me is not a burden. Ok?”_

Ennis nods, his eyes teased to break…

(E) “…a week n’ a half ago … I was sent Jack’s ashes in the mail n’ I just went off ta’ go on up ta’ Brokeback n’ just… be there. I went not tellin’ nobody… Jus’ on a whim. I was sad n’ really just tired of all of it. You deal with somethin’ bad… fer four fuckin’ years nonstop n’ you jus’ kinda’ lose it… n’ I lost it. I went to a spot we were always at back in 63 n’ felt like I was supposed ta’ be there. I got drunk n’ I let myself not care anymore. I gave up. I figured I brought myself there just to finish it.

Eyes glossed over.

(E) _“I walked off the ledge n’ slipped the rest of the way… Into the ravine. I…”_

The break.

(E) _“I uuuuhhh…. thought that this was it n’ I walked until I wasn’ walkin’ no more… While it was happenin’, I thought to myself, if it were this easy, I’d have done it a long while ago? You know? It didn’ take no effort. I didn’ do what I needed ta’ do fer Jack. I didn’ do what I needed ta’ do ta’ keep him here. Safe… So, what the fuck am I supposed to be doin’ to keep goin’? If I hadn’ve slipped I would have kept walk-in’ I know it. But… I couldn’ even do that right… In all the years I knew that damn place, I’d no idea that the drop-off was above a ledge a couple of feet down. No taller you… I hit my head on somethin’… blacked out… woke up freezin’ but I fuckin’ woke up n’ I just thought… well that was that.”_

Ennis laughs. James doesn’t.

(E) “I thought I was paralyzed or somethin’… fell 200 feet n’ jus stayed alive long enough to feel it take me… but naw… my fingers n’ feet moved around, my back was sore but lifted me up off the ground, I got up n’ dragged my leg behind me. Twisted my ankle or somethin’ n’ got back up ta’ the tent n’ went to sleep.”

(J) _“Ennis… you… just went to sleep?”_

(E) _“Mr. James… I think in this lil’ bit a time you’d understand me enough ta’ know that me fallin’ a couple of feet to the ground ain’ nothin’ but a Saturday night.”_

James chuckles respectfully.

(E) _“…it had ta’ happen. That was the whole point… you know? I didn’ cure myself a nothin’ I didn’ get to be forgiven. It’s jus’ like… if I really wanna’ go then I gotta’ put more effort into it the next time?”_

(J) _“En…”_

(E) _“no, it’s not a problem. I mean, nobody can be with me 24 hours… if I’m gonna’ do it… it’ll happen… but I’m just sayin’ that I’ve got more time to live with this. Jack… made me happy n’ without him here, I’ve been sad. Simple right? I’ve been here sad n’ I tried to deal with it n’ I came out the other side. Jack saw me do it… n’ I’m sittin’ here with you. A stranger that reminds me of’um,”_

James sits up and swallows the spit that had pooled under his tongue.

Ennis pulls out Jack’s picture and shows it to the stranger.

(E) _“…that’s him… 1963. My… uh… Jack... You feel like him…”_

(J) ”Ennis _… I ummmm… am…”_

Ennis ignore him.

(E) _“a lot of what I’m doin’ taday isn’t like me. I’d never… it would never be...”_

Ennis sits back in his chair, legs spread apart, and drops his head back. He rises back up… and massages his eyes sockets with the palms of his hands.

(E) _“um… I had to suffer ta’ be able ta’ do this taday. I had ta’ lose’im ta’ do this taday. I don’t feel good, but… I feel more than sadness. Just a lil’ bit more than that, and I think he’d be proud of me. He always wanted me ta’ be more than what I was… n’ I think this was what he was talkin’ about.”_

James dabs his eyes with a tissue and comes back to his body.

(J) _“I have to say that I have talked with a lot of people about their trauma. Severe bouts of trauma that they are struggling with. I have even seen myself in some of these people… but Mr. Del Ma… Ennis…”_

James looks to Ennis for his allowance to use his name still.

Ennis stares with welcome intent, not bothered by something so trivial.

(J) _“Ennis… I have never experienced the story you’ve told me… in any way.”_

(E) _“can we… talk again?”_

(J) _“Pardon?”_

Ennis continues to stare.

(J) _“I uh… these initial meetings are meant to establish a point of reference for referrals to occur… I can give you a write-up of your notes, and you can follow up with a doctor of your choice paid for by VA; it’s a…”_

(E) _”no.”_

James let out a quiet sigh.

(J) _“Ennis…”_

(E) _“I don’ do this…_

Ennis uses the space between them to visually represent everything that Ennis just explained.

(E) _“…n’ if it’s not gonna’ be you Sir… it’ll be nobody else ever again. I’m… right sorry if me sayin’ you reminded me of’im made you uncomfortable that wasn’ really… it kind of came out..._

Ennis nervously chuckles.

(E) _“It’s uh not been something I just ever go around n’ do… my whole life? I’ve only ever seen 3 peop…_

Ennis bites his tongue.

(E) _“It jus’ don’ make no sense ta’ me how this is all panning out n’ I jus’ had to say it. I’ve just spoken to you like you wasn’ even here n’ he was… I’m hopin’ that wasn’ wrong. You understand a bit more a me than most anybody on this planet.”_

(J) _“Ennis…”_

_James is enamored with the story alone… if it were between pages, he’d have been undoubtedly sobbing in the dark somewhere. He’s knows what his role is in all of this, but he can’t deny his interest. He looks at Ennis and sees more than he’s supposed to._

_(J) “…shit… I can… give you a slot after my last appointment… for the next 3 weeks and then…”_

(E) _“there’s no need for “and then’s” … I understand… I wasn’ gonna’ do this at all… but you’ve been right kind ta’ me n’ made it a lot easier… I just want to talk to somebody. I don’t want to waste this. “_

 _(J)_ _“I understand…. Ennis.”_

(E) _“…So next week? On Friday? Here?”_

(J) _“uuuhhhhh yes… Next week, Friday, 5 pm… Here?”_

It’s too much, what is he thinking?

(J) _“YES! Yes… here. You can go to the front desk and check-in and all of that stuff.”_

_(E) “Thank you… very much. Fer yer time… I can’ think how much you hear n’ a day n’ it can’ be easy._

_James stands up from his chair and stretches his hand out in front of him._

_(J) “Ennis… I’m just…”_

He has nothing to finish the thought with; Ennis grabs his hand, stands up, towering over James, and gently shifts it up and down.

(E) _“Yeah, you are.”_

Ennis says playfully. James chuckles.

James watches Ennis limp out of his office, leaving a rich and smoky tobacco musk in his wake.

(J) _“What… in the honest, fuck… was that Akoni?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had some difficulty with the end of this story, and I felt like any way I looked at it was a cheap way out. 
> 
> The epilogue addresses an idea that was mentioned in the story that I had thought of to potentially wrap it all up. 
> 
> In the story, it was just a way of identifying what I felt Ennis was dealing with mentally. 
> 
> I mean, of course, he had to have been. That's why the original short story caused so much of my heart to bleed for the characters. 
> 
> It's a depth that goes unexplored that I think Proulx left for the reader to find for themselves.
> 
> My original ending has a blue tone that runs parallel to the point in the short story. It's a bit on the head, which made me feel so cheap about using it, but I read it with a certain visual and music in mind, and I feel good about it.
> 
> The epilogue is pure fanfic trash. LOL! But there's a simple beauty in it.
> 
> Either ending is oK with me for anybody to take from. 
> 
> In my head, visually & sonically, it’s all so beautiful.
> 
> I have such a place in my heart for Jack and Ennis as they are; I just had ideas to get out of me.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading through. If you enjoyed and had any ideas to continue writing on one-off stories and whatnot, please let me know, and I'll see how I can put it together.
> 
> <3


End file.
